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THE HALFWAY POST
Posted on March 30, 2021 March 30, 2021. ISIS Is Offering Mike Pence “Any Price” To Teach A Seminar On Religious Extremism. Read More. by The Halfway Post. Posted on. March 23, 2021. March 23, 2021. DONALD TRUMP’S EATING HABITS WERE EXPOSED IN A WHITE HOUSE Donald Trump’s Eating Habits Were Exposed In A White House Chef’s New Memoir. Washington D.C.—. Former White House chef Lisa Markowitz just published a memoir of her time as executive chef for President Donald Trump. “I saw some real weird s***,” said Markowitz. “Disturbing things. Some things I can’t unsee, and I see themvividly
DONALD TRUMP IS NOW SELLING TIMESHARES AT MAR-A-LAGO Palm Beach, FL— President Donald Trump just launched a new company called Trump Vacations that will be selling timeshare memberships to his various Trump properties around the US.. Mr. Trump has reportedly already begun pitching timeshare contracts to his Mar-a-Lago guests, and even subjected a recent Republican National Committee meeting of top GOP party officials to a three-hour JOEL OSTEEN: “IF JESUS WANTED ME TO SHARE MY WEALTH, HE (Picture courtesy of Joel Osteen’s website.) Houston, TX— Televangelist Joel Osteen is facing criticism for not doing more to help the sick and needy through this COVID quarantine crisis. Many critics have taken offense that Osteen was still asking for donations through his website, despite the closure of his megachurch and his absurdly high net worth. MITCH MCCONNELL HAD A VISIBLE ERECTION WHILE THE SENATE (Picture courtesy of this C-SPAN video.). Washington D.C.— Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell appeared to be sexually aroused while leading the Senate through the confirmation process of admitting Amy Coney Barrett onto the Supreme Court.. C-SPAN cameras from several angles in the Senate chamber caught what looked to be a pronounced bulge in Mr. McConnell’s pants. DONALD TRUMP CLAIMS HE IS DIRECTLY DESCENDED FROM JESUS by The Halfway Post. Donald Trump Claims He Is Directly Descended From Jesus. Washington D.C.—. President Donald Trump today made an extraordinary claim that Jesus Christ was one of his direct ancestors. “I didn’t want to say it,” Trump said during a press conference, “but I am one of Jesus’s great-great-great, many greats,grandsons.
WHAT PAUL RYAN IS DOING NOW AFTER LEAVING POLITICS Faithful readers of The Halfway Post have been asking what Paul has been up to since, so we did some investigating and found these highlights of Ryan’s post-politics life: Bashed the brains out of cute, cuddly baby seals in Canada. After leaving D.C., Ryan flew to the Gulf of St. Lawrence in Quebec, and spent several weeks huntingseals
DONALD TRUMP IS IN TALKS WITH JOEL OSTEEN TO SET UP A Washington D.C.— It looks like President Donald Trump has finally decided what he wants to do post-presidency: become a televangelist. According to White House insiders, Mr. Trump spent most of last week’s “Executive Hours” in the Oval Office calling several rich televangelists for advice on how to set up his own mega church. WHARTON FINALLY RELEASED TRUMP’S GRADES: F’S IN BUSINESS Philadelphia, PA—. After several years of opaqueness, the Wharton School of the University of Philadelphia has finally released President Donald Trump’s academic records. Mr. Trump graduated from the university’s business school, and has long boasted JOHN BOLTON CLAIMS TRUMP’S DAILY HAIR AND MAKEUP ROUTINE The latest intrigue revealed by Bolton’s new book, however, is a claim that President Trump’s hair and makeup routine take two hours every day. The following is an excerpt from Bolton’s manuscript leaked exclusively to The Halfway Post: “The President does not do any official work until his hair and makeup are finished.THE HALFWAY POST
Posted on March 30, 2021 March 30, 2021. ISIS Is Offering Mike Pence “Any Price” To Teach A Seminar On Religious Extremism. Read More. by The Halfway Post. Posted on. March 23, 2021. March 23, 2021. DONALD TRUMP’S EATING HABITS WERE EXPOSED IN A WHITE HOUSE Donald Trump’s Eating Habits Were Exposed In A White House Chef’s New Memoir. Washington D.C.—. Former White House chef Lisa Markowitz just published a memoir of her time as executive chef for President Donald Trump. “I saw some real weird s***,” said Markowitz. “Disturbing things. Some things I can’t unsee, and I see themvividly
DONALD TRUMP IS NOW SELLING TIMESHARES AT MAR-A-LAGO Palm Beach, FL— President Donald Trump just launched a new company called Trump Vacations that will be selling timeshare memberships to his various Trump properties around the US.. Mr. Trump has reportedly already begun pitching timeshare contracts to his Mar-a-Lago guests, and even subjected a recent Republican National Committee meeting of top GOP party officials to a three-hour JOEL OSTEEN: “IF JESUS WANTED ME TO SHARE MY WEALTH, HE (Picture courtesy of Joel Osteen’s website.) Houston, TX— Televangelist Joel Osteen is facing criticism for not doing more to help the sick and needy through this COVID quarantine crisis. Many critics have taken offense that Osteen was still asking for donations through his website, despite the closure of his megachurch and his absurdly high net worth. MITCH MCCONNELL HAD A VISIBLE ERECTION WHILE THE SENATE (Picture courtesy of this C-SPAN video.). Washington D.C.— Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell appeared to be sexually aroused while leading the Senate through the confirmation process of admitting Amy Coney Barrett onto the Supreme Court.. C-SPAN cameras from several angles in the Senate chamber caught what looked to be a pronounced bulge in Mr. McConnell’s pants. DONALD TRUMP CLAIMS HE IS DIRECTLY DESCENDED FROM JESUS by The Halfway Post. Donald Trump Claims He Is Directly Descended From Jesus. Washington D.C.—. President Donald Trump today made an extraordinary claim that Jesus Christ was one of his direct ancestors. “I didn’t want to say it,” Trump said during a press conference, “but I am one of Jesus’s great-great-great, many greats,grandsons.
WHAT PAUL RYAN IS DOING NOW AFTER LEAVING POLITICS Faithful readers of The Halfway Post have been asking what Paul has been up to since, so we did some investigating and found these highlights of Ryan’s post-politics life: Bashed the brains out of cute, cuddly baby seals in Canada. After leaving D.C., Ryan flew to the Gulf of St. Lawrence in Quebec, and spent several weeks huntingseals
DONALD TRUMP IS IN TALKS WITH JOEL OSTEEN TO SET UP A Washington D.C.— It looks like President Donald Trump has finally decided what he wants to do post-presidency: become a televangelist. According to White House insiders, Mr. Trump spent most of last week’s “Executive Hours” in the Oval Office calling several rich televangelists for advice on how to set up his own mega church. WHARTON FINALLY RELEASED TRUMP’S GRADES: F’S IN BUSINESS Philadelphia, PA—. After several years of opaqueness, the Wharton School of the University of Philadelphia has finally released President Donald Trump’s academic records. Mr. Trump graduated from the university’s business school, and has long boasted JOHN BOLTON CLAIMS TRUMP’S DAILY HAIR AND MAKEUP ROUTINE The latest intrigue revealed by Bolton’s new book, however, is a claim that President Trump’s hair and makeup routine take two hours every day. The following is an excerpt from Bolton’s manuscript leaked exclusively to The Halfway Post: “The President does not do any official work until his hair and makeup are finished.THE HALFWAY POST
Posted on March 30, 2021 March 30, 2021. ISIS Is Offering Mike Pence “Any Price” To Teach A Seminar On Religious Extremism. Read More. by The Halfway Post. Posted on. March 23, 2021. March 23, 2021. WHAT PAUL RYAN IS DOING NOW AFTER LEAVING POLITICS Faithful readers of The Halfway Post have been asking what Paul has been up to since, so we did some investigating and found these highlights of Ryan’s post-politics life: Bashed the brains out of cute, cuddly baby seals in Canada. After leaving D.C., Ryan flew to the Gulf of St. Lawrence in Quebec, and spent several weeks huntingseals
THE BEST POLITICAL SATIRE OF PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP The Best Political Satire Of President Donald Trump. Donald Trump, if he had a soul, would have quit politics when he had his first transition meeting with Obama and looked shell-shocked realizing the depth of the job is much different than hosting a reality TV show and running a sham shell company designed to hide money laundering fromRussian
TRUMP COINED HIS NEWEST NICKNAME: “GROUCHY FAUCI” Trump Coined His Newest Nickname: “Grouchy Fauci”. Washington D.C.—. President Donald Trump is apparently unhappy with Dr. Fauci’s reluctance to endorse his dubious, quick coronavirus cures, and criticized Fauci from his Twitter account. The following are Mr.Trump’s tweets:
DONALD TRUMP, BILL BARR, AND CHRIS CHRISTIE ARE HAVING A Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here! DONALD TRUMP JUST CLOGGED THE WHITE HOUSE TOILET, TOLD A Washington D.C.— A White House janitor called The Halfway Post last night and left a voicemail complaining about President Donald Trump.. The following is an excerpt of the call: “Hello, Halfway Post, I’d like to leak a story about Donald Trump.He just clogged the toilet at the White House so bad it took me two hours to unclog it. JIM JORDAN CLAIMS DONALD TRUMP RAN A MILE IN UNDER 6 (Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.) Washington D.C.— Representative Jim Jordan claimed today that President Donald Trump is a big fan of jogging. “A lot of people don’t know this, but President Trump rarely uses a golf cart when he goes golfing,” Jordan said in response to a question from a constituent asking him to reveal something voters don’t know about Trump. RUDY GIULIANI MYSTERIOUSLY TWEETED “THE ALIENS HAVE ANAL Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here! WHITE HOUSE CHEF RESIGNS, IS WRITING TELL-ALL BOOK ON White House Chef Resigns, Is Writing Tell-All Book On Trump’s Eating Habits. Washington D.C.—. White House Executive Chef Elizabeth Markowitz has resigned her post, and claimed that her talents are only called for during rare state visits from foreign dignitaries. “Honestly, this job is just incredibly boring because the Presidentreally
TRUMP’S PHYSICIAN HAS TO HIDE HIS BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS IN Washington D.C.—. According to two White House staffers, President Donald Trump does not like taking medicine to keep his high blood pressure under control. As a result, White House Chief Physician Mark Loredo must hide the pills by stuffing them intoTHE HALFWAY POST
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FOX NEWS JUST LAUNCHED A NEW CRYPTOCURRENCY CALLED “CONFEDERATECOINS”
* Posted on October 26, 2019October 26, 2019 NEO-NAZIS INSIST SUNBURNS PROVE WHITES ARE “GOD’S CHOSEN PEOPLE” * Posted on October 23, 2019 DONALD TRUMP LEFT ADAM SCHIFF A VOICEMAIL BEGGING “DUDE, JUST BECOOL” 9 TIMES
* Posted on October 21, 2019October 21, 2019 TRUMP REPORTEDLY TRIED TO GIVE JEFFREY EPSTEIN A “GET OUT OF JAILFREE” CARD
* Posted on July 14, 2019July 14, 2019 TRUMP VOTER ALMOST PUTS HIMSELF IN THE SHOES OF A CAGED REFUGEE4-YEAR-OLD
* Posted on July 13, 2019July 13, 2019 FOX NEWS SAYS MERMAIDS ARE WHITE, “JUST LIKE JESUS, SANTA, & MARTINLUTHER KING JR.”
* Posted on July 12, 2019July 13, 2019 DONALD TRUMP SAYS HE AND OSAMA BIN LADEN WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT FRIENDS * Posted on July 3, 2019July 3, 2019 IVANKA’S G-20 NOTES ARE FILLED WITH HEARTS WITH JUSTIN TRUDEAU’SNAME IN THEM
* Posted on July 3, 2019July 3, 2019 LOCAL ABORTION PROTESTERS TAKE A BREAK TO GO TO THE MALL AND PROTESTPOLYESTER
* Posted on July 2, 2019July 2, 2019 LOCAL CHRISTIAN STARTING TO SUSPECT JESUS WOULD NOT APPROVE OF DONALDTRUMP
* Posted on June 24, 2019 DICK CHENEY HAS BEEN TUTORING TRUMP ON MANUFACTURING MIDDLE EAST WARS * Posted on June 20, 2019June 20, 2019 LOCAL CHRISTIAN ADMITS HE’S NEVER READ THE BIBLE, JUST LIKES JUDGINGPEOPLE
* Posted on June 19, 2019June 19, 2019 * by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 17, 2019June 17, 2019 DONALD TRUMP ERRONEOUSLY CLAIMS THE PATRIARCH OF JUDAISM WAS ABRAHAMLINCOLN
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* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 16, 2019 TOM COTTON GETS FULL ERECTION IN SENATE SPEECH CALLING FOR WAR WITHIRAN
Read More
* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 16, 2019June 16, 2019 RACIST TRUMP SUPPORTERS REFUSE TO ASSIMILATE INTO AMERICAN CULTURERead More
* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 13, 2019June 13, 2019 TUCKER CARLSON SAYS THE METRIC SYSTEM IS “CREEPY,” OUTS HIMSELF ASA DUMBF***
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* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 13, 2019June 13, 2019 FOLLOWING SARAH SANDERS’ RETIREMENT, KELLYANNE CONWAY IS CORONATEDLIAR QUEEN
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* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 13, 2019June 13, 2019 SARAH SANDERS DENIES LEAVING WHITE HOUSE, SO WE KNOW SHE ACTUALLY ISLEAVING
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* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 13, 2019June 13, 2019 DONALD TRUMP SAYS IT’S FAKE NEWS THAT “IDIOT” DONALD TRUMP JR.IS HIS SON
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* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 13, 2019June 13, 2019 DEMOCRATS ADMIT THEY WOULDN’T CALL THE FBI IF RUSSIA SENT THEMTRUMP’S PEE TAPES
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* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 12, 2019June 12, 2019 GOD IS REPORTEDLY PISSED CONSERVATIVES DON’T GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR ABORTING ALL THE MISCARRIAGE BABIESRead More
* by Halfway Post Staff * Posted on June 12, 2019 MIKE PENCE WROTE A FULL-LENGTH MUSICAL ENTITLED “THAT SUMMER IN 1975 WITH BRAD WHERE IT HAPPENED”Read More
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