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MATTIE SCHRAEDER
There’s maybe 50 photos of me before I started transitioning in 2017. Most of the photos are of pets and random things. Now there’s a huge collection of selfies that document my entire transition. At least once a week, usually 3-4 times a week, I’ll take a photo of myself. Either at my desk, in bed, on my couch, or in my car. ABOUT – MATTIE SCHRAEDER About. I am Mattie Schraeder, a C# and PHP Developer in Jacksonville, IL. In high school I dabbled with C++ and TI-BASIC. I went to college at Lincoln Land Community College where I developed a Dungeons and Dragons v3.5 Character Sheet generator in Borland C++Bulider 5. I am also the creator of C# MARC Editor, a tool for editing bibliography PRONOUNS AND INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE ARE IMPORTANT The easiest way to start with inclusive language is the use of singular they. If you don’t know someone’s pronouns and aren’t able to ask for whatever reason, there is absolutely nothing wrong with defaulting to they/them. Of course it’s better to ask, but that has its own problems. I both love and hate people asking my pronouns. ARCHIVES – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Archives. COVID-19 and work from home dysphoria. Swimming while trans. The power of a photo (or many photos) Suicidal ideation and self harm. Transgender communities throughout transition. Pronouns and inclusive language are important. No one talks about euphoria. Starting Fresh– Part 2.
SWIMMING WHILE TRANS A lot of transgender people, however, cannot so easily do the same. It is hard to find a swimsuit that can hide the obvious bulge in a pre-operation transgender woman’s crotch. Swim trunks for men do the task, but look strange when paired with a top made for women. In addition, it’s almost impossible to find a top that would fit thepre
YOU’LL NEVER BE A REAL WOMAN It’s a phrase that most transgender women have heard in one way or another before, during, or even after their transition. I first heard it the last time I spoke with my mother about my transition. “You’ll never be a real woman. There are just some things you can’t change.”. I was driving home from therapy, and called my momto check in.
SEXUALITY AND BEING TRANSGENDER Sexuality and being transgender. For as long as I have been questioning my gender, if not longer, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. That isn’t to say that the two are correlated with one another, because they’re not, but more that as I grew up and became more worldly minded, I started questioning my own perceptions of theworld.
PRIDE – YEAR 2 – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Pride – Year 2. I wrote a lot about Pride last year, about my perceived failures, and about how hard it was to take pride in myself but how that was changing. Unfortunately, the rest of the past year was marred by even more failure. That feeling of pride and CYBERPUNK AND TRANSHUMANISM AS ALLEGORIES FOR BEING Cyberpunk usually focuses on a breakdown and rebuilding of a dystopian society. By comparison, transhumanism tends to focus on a more utopian mindset. Of course this is overly simplifying things, and you might argue that cyberpunk is a subset of transhumanism. Examples of recent transhumanist movies include Transcendence, Lucy, and to a lesser RECLAIMING SLURS AND WHY IT’S OKAY FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE The internet is a wild place, and just recently it blew up because one of my favorite internet celebrities used a slur. ContraPoints, a transgender woman who makes YouTube videos about social justice, posted the titles of her next three videos.One of which isMATTIE SCHRAEDER
There’s maybe 50 photos of me before I started transitioning in 2017. Most of the photos are of pets and random things. Now there’s a huge collection of selfies that document my entire transition. At least once a week, usually 3-4 times a week, I’ll take a photo of myself. Either at my desk, in bed, on my couch, or in my car. ABOUT – MATTIE SCHRAEDER About. I am Mattie Schraeder, a C# and PHP Developer in Jacksonville, IL. In high school I dabbled with C++ and TI-BASIC. I went to college at Lincoln Land Community College where I developed a Dungeons and Dragons v3.5 Character Sheet generator in Borland C++Bulider 5. I am also the creator of C# MARC Editor, a tool for editing bibliography PRONOUNS AND INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE ARE IMPORTANT The easiest way to start with inclusive language is the use of singular they. If you don’t know someone’s pronouns and aren’t able to ask for whatever reason, there is absolutely nothing wrong with defaulting to they/them. Of course it’s better to ask, but that has its own problems. I both love and hate people asking my pronouns. ARCHIVES – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Archives. COVID-19 and work from home dysphoria. Swimming while trans. The power of a photo (or many photos) Suicidal ideation and self harm. Transgender communities throughout transition. Pronouns and inclusive language are important. No one talks about euphoria. Starting Fresh– Part 2.
SWIMMING WHILE TRANS A lot of transgender people, however, cannot so easily do the same. It is hard to find a swimsuit that can hide the obvious bulge in a pre-operation transgender woman’s crotch. Swim trunks for men do the task, but look strange when paired with a top made for women. In addition, it’s almost impossible to find a top that would fit thepre
YOU’LL NEVER BE A REAL WOMAN It’s a phrase that most transgender women have heard in one way or another before, during, or even after their transition. I first heard it the last time I spoke with my mother about my transition. “You’ll never be a real woman. There are just some things you can’t change.”. I was driving home from therapy, and called my momto check in.
SEXUALITY AND BEING TRANSGENDER Sexuality and being transgender. For as long as I have been questioning my gender, if not longer, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. That isn’t to say that the two are correlated with one another, because they’re not, but more that as I grew up and became more worldly minded, I started questioning my own perceptions of theworld.
PRIDE – YEAR 2 – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Pride – Year 2. I wrote a lot about Pride last year, about my perceived failures, and about how hard it was to take pride in myself but how that was changing. Unfortunately, the rest of the past year was marred by even more failure. That feeling of pride and CYBERPUNK AND TRANSHUMANISM AS ALLEGORIES FOR BEING Cyberpunk usually focuses on a breakdown and rebuilding of a dystopian society. By comparison, transhumanism tends to focus on a more utopian mindset. Of course this is overly simplifying things, and you might argue that cyberpunk is a subset of transhumanism. Examples of recent transhumanist movies include Transcendence, Lucy, and to a lesser RECLAIMING SLURS AND WHY IT’S OKAY FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE The internet is a wild place, and just recently it blew up because one of my favorite internet celebrities used a slur. ContraPoints, a transgender woman who makes YouTube videos about social justice, posted the titles of her next three videos.One of which is ARCHIVES – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Archives. COVID-19 and work from home dysphoria. Swimming while trans. The power of a photo (or many photos) Suicidal ideation and self harm. Transgender communities throughout transition. Pronouns and inclusive language are important. No one talks about euphoria. Starting Fresh– Part 2.
SEXUALITY AND BEING TRANSGENDER Sexuality and being transgender. For as long as I have been questioning my gender, if not longer, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. That isn’t to say that the two are correlated with one another, because they’re not, but more that as I grew up and became more worldly minded, I started questioning my own perceptions of theworld.
YOU’LL NEVER BE A REAL WOMAN It’s a phrase that most transgender women have heard in one way or another before, during, or even after their transition. I first heard it the last time I spoke with my mother about my transition. “You’ll never be a real woman. There are just some things you can’t change.”. I was driving home from therapy, and called my momto check in.
TRANSGENDER COMMUNITIES THROUGHOUT TRANSITION Transgender communities throughout transition. I’ve been in and out of many progressive, social justice aware, LGBT, and transgender communities throughout my adult life, specifically leading up to and throughout my transition. Some of those communities came and went, others are still around but I grew out of them, and some I’m still apart
PRIDE – YEAR 2 – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Pride – Year 2. I wrote a lot about Pride last year, about my perceived failures, and about how hard it was to take pride in myself but how that was changing. Unfortunately, the rest of the past year was marred by even more failure. That feeling of pride andONE YEAR LATER
One year later. As I said in my post about deadnames, there isn’t a distinct line that can be drawn that marks the start and end of my transition. The day that I first started questioning my gender is too nebulous. I look back on the day that I first came out to my then girlfriend with sadness and regret. The day I came out to my wife for REACTIONS TO COMING OUT AS TRANSGENDER Everyone reacted to me as coming out as transgender differently. I briefly touched on this in my post about coming out, but I wanted to go into more detail about those reactions, rather than the process itself.Each reaction can be grouped into one or more of a few categories: excitement, questioning, doubt, indifference, and turning it back on themselves. RECLAIMING SLURS AND WHY IT’S OKAY FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE The internet is a wild place, and just recently it blew up because one of my favorite internet celebrities used a slur. ContraPoints, a transgender woman who makes YouTube videos about social justice, posted the titles of her next three videos.One of which is THE POLITICAL AND WHY I’M DRAWING A LINE I often try to avoid the political. I avoid it with my family. I avoid it on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve avoided it with this blog. I quietly unfriend and unfollow people who post blatant political posts that I vehemently disagree with. THE BATHROOM “ISSUE” AND MY LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH No, I did not use quotation marks for emphasis. The “issue” I am talking about in this blog post is entirely fictitious. It is a figment of the imagination that has somehow metastasized into the realm of political discourse, and further into the real world, asMATTIE SCHRAEDER
I’ve been catching up on a lot of the back catalogue of leftist YouTube personalities lately, and I finally worked up the courage to watch Philosophy Tube’s video on Suicide and Mental Health.It’s a rough video to watch, especially as someone who’s been there, has dealt with those feelings, and still deals with those feelings. ABOUT – MATTIE SCHRAEDER I am Mattie Schraeder, a C# and PHP Developer in Jacksonville, IL. In high school I dabbled with C++ and TI-BASIC. I went to college at Lincoln Land Community College where I developed a Dungeons and Dragons v3.5 Character Sheet generator in Borland C++Bulider 5. I am also the creator of C# MARC Editor, a tool for editing bibliography records.As a career I’m a web developer that works in a PRONOUNS AND INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE ARE IMPORTANT I often talk about pronouns in this blog, but I’m not sure just how much I’ve been able to emphasize how important they, and inclusive language in general, are ARCHIVES – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Visit the post for more. COVID-19 and work from home dysphoria; Swimming while trans; The power of a photo (or many photos) SWIMMING WHILE TRANS I did something recently that I didn’t think I would ever do again. I put on a swimsuit and swam. It was one of the scariest things I’ve done since coming out as transgender. I was in the relative SUICIDAL IDEATION AND SELF HARM I’ve been catching up on a lot of the back catalogue of leftist YouTube personalities lately, and I finally worked up the courage to watch Philosophy Tube’s video on Suicide and Mental Health.It’s a rough video to watch, especially as someone who’s been there, has dealt with those feelings, and still deals with those feelings. SEXUALITY AND BEING TRANSGENDER For as long as I have been questioning my gender, if not longer, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. That isn’t to say that the two are correlated with one another, because they’re not, but more that as I grew up and became more worldly minded, I started questioning my own perceptions of the world. YOU NEVER SHOWED SIGNS OF BEING TRANSGENDER I could go on and on about how gender is a social construct, gender identity can be fluid, that gender is a spectrum, and that societal expectations of gender are toxic, but that has all already been written about by far more intelligent and eloquent people than myself. PRIDE – YEAR 2 – MATTIE SCHRAEDER I wrote a lot about Pride last year, about my perceived failures, and about how hard it was to take pride in myself but how that was changing. Unfortunately, the rest of the past year was marred by even more failure. That feeling of pride and being happy with who I was unfortunatley short lived. RECLAIMING SLURS AND WHY IT’S OKAY FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE The internet is a wild place, and just recently it blew up because one of my favorite internet celebrities used a slur. ContraPoints, a transgender woman who makes YouTube videos about social justice, posted the titles of her next three videos.One of which isMATTIE SCHRAEDER
There’s maybe 50 photos of me before I started transitioning in 2017. Most of the photos are of pets and random things. Now there’s a huge collection of selfies that document my entire transition. At least once a week, usually 3-4 times a week, I’ll take a photo of myself. Either at my desk, in bed, on my couch, or in my car. ABOUT – MATTIE SCHRAEDER About. I am Mattie Schraeder, a C# and PHP Developer in Jacksonville, IL. In high school I dabbled with C++ and TI-BASIC. I went to college at Lincoln Land Community College where I developed a Dungeons and Dragons v3.5 Character Sheet generator in Borland C++Bulider 5. I am also the creator of C# MARC Editor, a tool for editing bibliography ARCHIVES – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Visit the post for more. COVID-19 and work from home dysphoria; Swimming while trans; The power of a photo (or many photos) PRONOUNS AND INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE ARE IMPORTANT The easiest way to start with inclusive language is the use of singular they. If you don’t know someone’s pronouns and aren’t able to ask for whatever reason, there is absolutely nothing wrong with defaulting to they/them. Of course it’s better to ask, but that has its own problems. I both love and hate people asking my pronouns. SUICIDAL IDEATION AND SELF HARM I’ve been catching up on a lot of the back catalogue of leftist YouTube personalities lately, and I finally worked up the courage to watch Philosophy Tube’s video on Suicide and Mental Health.It’s a rough video to watch, especially as someone who’s been there, has dealt with those feelings, and still deals with those feelings. SWIMMING WHILE TRANS A lot of transgender people, however, cannot so easily do the same. It is hard to find a swimsuit that can hide the obvious bulge in a pre-operation transgender woman’s crotch. Swim trunks for men do the task, but look strange when paired with a top made for women. In addition, it’s almost impossible to find a top that would fit thepre
SEXUALITY AND BEING TRANSGENDER Sexuality and being transgender. For as long as I have been questioning my gender, if not longer, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. That isn’t to say that the two are correlated with one another, because they’re not, but more that as I grew up and became more worldly minded, I started questioning my own perceptions of theworld.
YOU NEVER SHOWED SIGNS OF BEING TRANSGENDER You never showed signs of being transgender. I could go on and on about how gender is a social construct, gender identity can be fluid, that gender is a spectrum, and that societal expectations of gender are toxic, but that has all already been written about by PRIDE – YEAR 2 – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Pride – Year 2. I wrote a lot about Pride last year, about my perceived failures, and about how hard it was to take pride in myself but how that was changing. Unfortunately, the rest of the past year was marred by even more failure. That feeling of pride and RECLAIMING SLURS AND WHY IT’S OKAY FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE The internet is a wild place, and just recently it blew up because one of my favorite internet celebrities used a slur. ContraPoints, a transgender woman who makes YouTube videos about social justice, posted the titles of her next three videos.One of which is TRANSGENDER COMMUNITIES THROUGHOUT TRANSITION I’ve been in and out of many progressive, social justice aware, LGBT, and transgender communities throughout my adult life, specifically leading up THE POWER OF A PHOTO (OR MANY PHOTOS) I’ve been using Google Photos to backup all of the terrible cell phone photos I’ve taken since 2012. There’s maybe 50 photos of me before I started transitioning in 2017. Most of the photos are of YOU NEVER SHOWED SIGNS OF BEING TRANSGENDER I could go on and on about how gender is a social construct, gender identity can be fluid, that gender is a spectrum, and that societal expectations of gender are toxic, but that has all already been written about by far more intelligent and eloquent people than myself. PRIDE – YEAR 2 – MATTIE SCHRAEDER I wrote a lot about Pride last year, about my perceived failures, and about how hard it was to take pride in myself but how that was changing. Unfortunately, the rest of the past year was marred by even more failure. That feeling of pride and being happy with who I was unfortunatley short lived. YOU’LL NEVER BE A REAL WOMAN “You’ll never be a real woman.” It’s a phrase that most transgender women have heard in one way or another before, during, or even after their transition. I first heard it the last time I spokewit
CULTIVATING AN IDENTITY Another great post, and very relatable & familiar. I know one of the things that came up early on in therapy for me was me saying I was going through an identity crisis, or even saying I felt like I didn’t really have an identity at all. PRIDE – MATTIE SCHRAEDER Pride is something I’m still struggling to understand, and since it’s pride month I thought it would be a good idea to put my thoughts down. Pride means RECLAIMING SLURS AND WHY IT’S OKAY FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE The internet is a wild place, and just recently it blew up because one of my favorite internet celebrities used a slur. ContraPoints, a transgender woman who makes YouTube videos about social justice, posted the titles of her next three videos.One of which is THE BATHROOM “ISSUE” AND MY LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH No, I did not use quotation marks for emphasis. The “issue” I am talking about in this blog post is entirely fictitious. It is a figment of the imagination that has somehow metastasized into the realm of political discourse, and further into the real world, as BOWSETTE AND THE INTERNET’S OBSESSION WITH GENDER SWAPPING Content warning: Not safe for work. Discussions of porn on the internet, including rape. If you’re my parents, you should probably skip this one. The internet has a strange obsession with gender swapping, and the past week has been rife with with it thanks to a Nintendo Direct in which it was announced that Toadette would be a playable character in New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe.Skip to content
MATTIE SCHRAEDER
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Posted on July 10, 2019July 10, 2019 STARTING FRESH – PART 2 I already talked about my excitement about starting fresh at a new job. It’s been just over two months since then and now I want to talk about how my expectations compared to what actually happened. Along with being exciting and wonderful, it’s been a long and stressful two months. I’ve been moving to a new place, preparing my old one for sale, and getting acclimated in a job that truly feels like I’m being thrown into the deep end. The new job has been amazing regardless of the stress that has come along with it. For the first time I feel like I belong as a part of a team rather than either a cog in a machine or a lone developer doing my own thing. Continue reading “Starting Fresh – Part 2” Posted on June 22, 2019June 22, 2019PRIDE – YEAR 2
I wrote a lot about Pride last year, about my perceived failures, and about how hard it was to take pride in myself but how that was changing. Unfortunately, the rest of the past year was marred by even more failure. That feeling of pride and being happy with who I was unfortunatley short lived. My divorce was finalized, I lost my job, and it took me six months to find a new one. In that period of unemployment depression set in deeper than it had in a long time. It didn’t help that I couldn’t afford all my medication since I didn’t have insurance. As it turns out Abilify is an amazing drug, and no they’re not paying me to say that. Though I wish they would. Depression led to my house becoming adepression nest
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My finances took a nosedive. Things got really bad. It’s been two months since my fresh start . My new job is going awesome, I have a new house, my old one is getting cleaned up for sale, and my sleep schedule has returned to something resembling a functioning individual. I’ll talk more about how things are going in my next blog post, but today I want to focus on Pride, the event. Continue reading “Pride – Year 2” Posted on April 26, 2019April 26, 2019STARTING FRESH
There’s one experience that I’ve always dreamed of and that’s starting fresh. One of the things that prevented me from coming out sooner is that very dream. It’d be so much easier if I could just start fresh, and have no predefined expectations of who or what I was. Unfortunately for me, by the time I was ready to come out of the closet and realized it was even a possibility I was out of school and well into my career. Continue reading “Starting Fresh” Posted on April 8, 2019April 8, 2019 GENDER AND THE JOB HUNT I have been unemployed for six months now, and just got my first job offer since I was let go by my previous employer. I won’t go into the specifics about why, because it’s not really important and there are a lot of factors that led up to it, though my gender and gender presentation was certainly a factor. I haven’t been unemployed for this long since I was a teenager, and the job market now is very different than it was back then, despite many factors are quite similar. My gender, however, is a huge change that needs to be talkedabout.
Continue reading “Gender and the Job Hunt” Posted on March 10, 2019TWO YEARS OF HRT
Today marks my two year anniversary of starting HRT. Unfortunately I don’t have a big celebratory post to go along with the special occasion like I did for my first anniversary . However, I did want to share another timeline photo. I do have a few more blog posts in the works, but they aren’t polished enough to post quite yet. A photo taken on March 10th at year 0, year 1, and year 2. Thanks to everyone who’s read my posts, sent me comments (both good and bad), and gave me precious upvotes on Reddit. Posted on February 28, 2019March 1, 2019 CYBERPUNK AND TRANSHUMANISM AS ALLEGORIES FOR BEING TRANSGENDER I’ve always loved the concepts and themes of cyberpunk and transhumanist stories. Many of my favorite movies as a teenager followed these themes, most notably The Matrix and Ghost in the Shell (the anime, not the recent Hollywood abomination). Unfortunately what I loved most about cyberpunk and transhumanist stories were often either extremely minor plot points, or not touched on at all. Rather than focusing on the personal implications of such concepts, most stories that touch on these subjects revolve around bettering theworld.
Continue reading “Cyberpunk and Transhumanism as Allegories for Being Transgender” Posted on February 19, 2019February 19, 2019 LEGO, THE LEGO MOVIE 1 & 2, AND GENDER FEELS I’ve briefly talked about it in past blog posts, but my childhood in the late 80s and throughout the 90s was a huge factor in preventing me from coming out earlier in life than I ended up doing. That isn’t to say that I knew I was transgender when I was that young, but rather that time frame left me with a deeply seeded binary view of gender and what it meant. Before I could come out as transgender, I would have to break free of that limited notion of gender, and gender expression. Continue reading “Lego, The Lego Movie 1 & 2, and Gender Feels” Posted on December 7, 2018December 7, 2018 NOW AVAILABLE! WALKING DOGGOS: A GAME OF BEING BARELY ADEQUATE*
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I am self-publishing my first card game, Walking Doggos , on The Game Crafter! You should
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Posted on October 25, 2018October 25, 2018 I NO LONGER RECOGNIZE MYSELF Being transgender means having a strange dichotomy between the image of yourself as you are, and the image of yourself as you want to be. That dichotomy gets even stranger as your transition progresses, and the image that has been burned into your mind as who you are no longer matches your actual physical appearance. I’ve shared my timelinebefore, but the
gradual changes from before I came out to a year into HRT are one thing, and the before and after of nearly two years since coming out is a stark contrast. Continue reading “I no longer recognize myself” Posted on October 23, 2018October 23, 2018 THE POLITICAL AND WHY I’M DRAWING A LINE I often try to avoid the political. I avoid it with my family. I avoid it on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve avoided it with this blog. I quietly unfriend and unfollow people who post blatant political posts that I vehemently disagree with. If you were pro-Trump at any point in time that I saw on my social media feeds, then I likely removed you months ago, because we simply can’t be friends on those feeds. This applies to family, friends, and acquaintances alike. It’s nothing personal, or, well I suppose I should say that it wasn’t personaluntil recently.
Continue reading “The political and why I’m drawing a line”POSTS NAVIGATION
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