Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
More Annotations
![gechologic.com | Home of The Awesome Gecho Loopsynth](https://www.archivebay.com/archive/3433cf7b-4299-4fb3-a279-c320eefa2fdf.png)
gechologic.com | Home of The Awesome Gecho Loopsynth
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![Residential Rentals in Jersey City, NJ | 485 Marin | Welcome Home](https://www.archivebay.com/archive/db3cf567-b135-47a7-b419-11b581897747.png)
Residential Rentals in Jersey City, NJ | 485 Marin | Welcome Home
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![Lichnari.gr - Βιβλία, παιχνίδια, τσάντες, είδη γραφής & hobby](https://www.archivebay.com/archive/0027ba4e-c675-4e71-a2fb-fc2915b068fc.png)
Lichnari.gr - Βιβλία, παιχνίδια, τσάντες, είδη γραφής & hobby
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![Расписание общественного транспорта во всех городах Беларуси](https://www.archivebay.com/archive/95b5ddea-ead3-4f30-81b1-214c2de8979c.png)
Расписание общественного транспорта во всех городах Беларуси
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![Новая Фантазия интернет-магазин игрушек и товаров для детей](https://www.archivebay.com/archive/0ceea28c-e71e-42e0-a89d-0043346568f6.png)
Новая Фантазия интернет-магазин игрушек и товаров для детей
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![Legal Era Indonesia – Tegas, Lugas, dan Cerdas](https://www.archivebay.com/archive/a212c3c6-6661-4088-9082-88f348f472ab.png)
Legal Era Indonesia – Tegas, Lugas, dan Cerdas
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
Favourite Annotations
![A complete backup of belliskincare.com](https://www.archivebay.com/archive5/images/55078633-643e-4d37-99b1-d51da9c70015.png)
A complete backup of belliskincare.com
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![A complete backup of freizeitparks.de](https://www.archivebay.com/archive5/images/38cce589-4e07-4f1a-849a-735406df8b6d.png)
A complete backup of freizeitparks.de
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![A complete backup of cityandguilds.com](https://www.archivebay.com/archive5/images/0a52daa6-6444-4da0-905f-3431aa82e7a7.png)
A complete backup of cityandguilds.com
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![A complete backup of corporateofficehq.com](https://www.archivebay.com/archive5/images/5ded3dda-53e8-4331-8d00-80f3127888d0.png)
A complete backup of corporateofficehq.com
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
![A complete backup of marks-english-school.com](https://www.archivebay.com/archive5/images/60a77597-23cf-49d6-9991-f73f0377646a.png)
A complete backup of marks-english-school.com
Are you over 18 and want to see adult content?
Text
MICHAEL IAN BLACK
The CBS Orchestra had been smoking tonight. They laid down some killer R&B during the commercial breaks, then transitioned flawlessly into a laid back jazz groove in support of that night’s musical guest, a flash in the pan trio half his age. Yes, the band had been great, he thought, as he exited onto 54th Street. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HERE'S SOMETHING I JUST WROTE FOR THE Here's Something I Just Wrote for the "Best Week Ever" Site. Ed Note: Michael Ian Black — whose gilded resume includes Stella, The State, the tragically DVD-less Viva Variety, and countless well-meaning “I love that guy on Best Week Ever !” compliments — is now the proud author of a book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing EssaysMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
A Bad Night at the Old Town “Great set tonight, Paul,” called Anton to the bandleader as the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater filed out the doors. “You too, babe,” replied Paul. It was true. Another great set in a lifetime of them. The CBS Orchestra had beensmoking tonight.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A GREAT WRITE-UP IN ADVANCE OF STELLA'S Throughout the history, great comedic troupes have either come in pairs (Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Spade and Farley) or in larger groups, but Wain, Showalter and Black prove easily, prove that three is funny. All accomplished comedians in their own right, Showalter, Black and Wain combined in 1997 to form "Stella," a comedy troupe that became a mainstay in New York's Greenwich Village. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR WHERE TUCKER AND I I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probablytake him
MICHAEL IAN BLACK:
Thank you! Also: hey everyone, I just bought "State By State With The State" ebook on Amazon for $5. Wow! Thank God I purchased the highly rare original paperback a few years ago off EBay for $60 (when most were going for $100+) MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOLLYWOOD EXPLAINED PART III I repeat at the beginning my last paragraph of my previous post, which details how meetings in LA go down. Then I continue with the secret information you need to know to survive Hollywood. So the person walkstowards you,
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HAPPY NATIONAL TICKLE DAY!* Happy National Tickle Day!*. Well, it’s January 31st again and like every January 31st, that means it’s National Tickle Day*, the day when you take a little bit of time out of your day to tickle somebody special. I’ve got some big plans for National Tickle Day*, starting with an early morning tickle session with Mrs. Black. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TRANSCRIPT OF WASHINGTON POST CHAT We just finished and had a lovely time, although I didn't realize Showalter was ragging on me until after the fact because we were in separate locations. Had I known I MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOT POKER SEX Last night I went to my favorite place in Los Angeles, the Commerce Casino, for some hot poker sex. Did I win? Let’s put it this way: yes. Most of you have probably never seen that much money in one place before and chances are you’re freaking out.MICHAEL IAN BLACK
The CBS Orchestra had been smoking tonight. They laid down some killer R&B during the commercial breaks, then transitioned flawlessly into a laid back jazz groove in support of that night’s musical guest, a flash in the pan trio half his age. Yes, the band had been great, he thought, as he exited onto 54th Street. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HERE'S SOMETHING I JUST WROTE FOR THE Here's Something I Just Wrote for the "Best Week Ever" Site. Ed Note: Michael Ian Black — whose gilded resume includes Stella, The State, the tragically DVD-less Viva Variety, and countless well-meaning “I love that guy on Best Week Ever !” compliments — is now the proud author of a book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing EssaysMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
A Bad Night at the Old Town “Great set tonight, Paul,” called Anton to the bandleader as the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater filed out the doors. “You too, babe,” replied Paul. It was true. Another great set in a lifetime of them. The CBS Orchestra had beensmoking tonight.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A GREAT WRITE-UP IN ADVANCE OF STELLA'S Throughout the history, great comedic troupes have either come in pairs (Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Spade and Farley) or in larger groups, but Wain, Showalter and Black prove easily, prove that three is funny. All accomplished comedians in their own right, Showalter, Black and Wain combined in 1997 to form "Stella," a comedy troupe that became a mainstay in New York's Greenwich Village. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR WHERE TUCKER AND I I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probablytake him
MICHAEL IAN BLACK:
Thank you! Also: hey everyone, I just bought "State By State With The State" ebook on Amazon for $5. Wow! Thank God I purchased the highly rare original paperback a few years ago off EBay for $60 (when most were going for $100+) MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOLLYWOOD EXPLAINED PART III I repeat at the beginning my last paragraph of my previous post, which details how meetings in LA go down. Then I continue with the secret information you need to know to survive Hollywood. So the person walkstowards you,
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HAPPY NATIONAL TICKLE DAY!* Happy National Tickle Day!*. Well, it’s January 31st again and like every January 31st, that means it’s National Tickle Day*, the day when you take a little bit of time out of your day to tickle somebody special. I’ve got some big plans for National Tickle Day*, starting with an early morning tickle session with Mrs. Black. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TRANSCRIPT OF WASHINGTON POST CHAT We just finished and had a lovely time, although I didn't realize Showalter was ragging on me until after the fact because we were in separate locations. Had I known I MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOT POKER SEX Last night I went to my favorite place in Los Angeles, the Commerce Casino, for some hot poker sex. Did I win? Let’s put it this way: yes. Most of you have probably never seen that much money in one place before and chances are you’re freaking out. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: THE FIRST EVER "TRANSFORM DAVID First of all, my thanks to all of the patriots who decided to take time out of their busy lives to Photoshop flag pins, pirate patches, and Taco Doritos onto photographs of best-selling memoirist David Spedaris. Your efforts were all MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR WHERE TUCKER AND I I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probablytake him
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME THINGS YOU COULD PUT IN A Could: Dirt Couldn't: Two Jennifer Love Hewitts Could: Wood chips Couldn't: The same wheelbarrow Could: Grass trimmings Couldn't: The swimming pool from my camp Could: Scrap lumber Couldn't: Yourself if you also needed to push the wheelbarrow. Could: Gravel Couldn't: MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A LITTLE HUNKY PRESS FOR MY BOOK In retrospect, "hunky" probably isn't the best word to describe this little blurb from Esquire, but it's an underused adjective, so I thought I'd give it a go: The Hall of Cultural Significance The five most intriguing performances this month MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A NEW SERVICE FROM ME FOR YOU FOR FREE Because I love you I have decided to start offering film/book/music recommendations. Whenever I am particularly inspired/impressed/agog, I will offer share with you whatever delights I have discovered. First up, a fantastic little film called "This is England:" If you MICHAEL IAN BLACK: INTERVIEW I DID WITH THE UNIVERSITY By Valerie Skubal Comedian Michael Ian Black says, “You'd have to shit in my mouth to make me really uncomfortable,” and you have to believe him. From movies such as Wet Hot American Summer and comedy sketch shows such as MICHAEL IAN BLACK: BOSTON I’ve spent the last couple days in Boston, where I did a book signing and ate a steak. The steak was better than the book signing. They put me in a brand new Borders in the town of Wareham, which is about forty five minutes South of Boston proper. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TRANSCRIPT OF WASHINGTON POST CHAT We just finished and had a lovely time, although I didn't realize Showalter was ragging on me until after the fact because we were in separate locations. Had I known I MICHAEL IAN BLACK: BREAKING NEWS!!! ANGIE HARMON TO I was in the middle of writing a separate blog posting when this news came across the transom. I figured I should get this information out as quickly as I possibly could so that those of us who take our electoral cues from Angie Harmon can finally rest easy. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: MY FAVORITE COMMENTS REGARDING MY POST Tucker is going to crush you. This shit is great. Yeah I agree, bro you are a vh1 pussy to the max. Your ass is grass. micheal you are a dead man tucker is gonna be shit-housed drunk and beat the shit out of you.you better start making doctors appointment right about nowMICHAEL IAN BLACK
The CBS Orchestra had been smoking tonight. They laid down some killer R&B during the commercial breaks, then transitioned flawlessly into a laid back jazz groove in support of that night’s musical guest, a flash in the pan trio half his age. Yes, the band had been great, he thought, as he exited onto 54th Street. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HERE'S SOMETHING I JUST WROTE FOR THE Here's Something I Just Wrote for the "Best Week Ever" Site. Ed Note: Michael Ian Black — whose gilded resume includes Stella, The State, the tragically DVD-less Viva Variety, and countless well-meaning “I love that guy on Best Week Ever !” compliments — is now the proud author of a book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A FEW THOUGHT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S SHORT In my previous post, I published a short story by my daughter Suri who is four. In this post, I’d like discuss that story. For those of you who have not had a chance to read the story, here itMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
A Bad Night at the Old Town “Great set tonight, Paul,” called Anton to the bandleader as the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater filed out the doors. “You too, babe,” replied Paul. It was true. Another great set in a lifetime of them. The CBS Orchestra had beensmoking tonight.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: CHICK'S STORY PART I People have been asking for more information about “Stand Up And Win,” the book I have consulting for my spiritual growth. Specifically, people are asking about the author, Chick Healy. Who is he? Where did he come from? What’s his MICHAEL IAN BLACK: THE TEXT OF A CHILDREN'S BOOK THAT I NOTE: I have a great relationship with my children's book editor at S&S (shortand those of us in the industry use when referring to Simon & Schuster), and I meanMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
Thank you! Also: hey everyone, I just bought "State By State With The State" ebook on Amazon for $5. Wow! Thank God I purchased the highly rare original paperback a few years ago off EBay for $60 (when most were going for $100+) MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESS Life is so busy these days. Consequently, we all face stress. Even me. Yes, I’m a busy celebrity whose days are filled with glamour, but I find it’s important to take a little “me” time each day to do a little activity that anybody, even you, can afford. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HAPPY NATIONAL TICKLE DAY!* Happy National Tickle Day!*. Well, it’s January 31st again and like every January 31st, that means it’s National Tickle Day*, the day when you take a little bit of time out of your day to tickle somebody special. I’ve got some big plans for National Tickle Day*, starting with an early morning tickle session with Mrs. Black. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: CLOTHING OPTIONAL RESORTS When I was writing about the beach yesterday I started thinking about clothing optional resorts. As somebody who is kind of a perv, I obviously like this idea, but the more I look at pictures from these places, the more I realize "clothing optional" is just a euphemism for "unattractive required."MICHAEL IAN BLACK
The CBS Orchestra had been smoking tonight. They laid down some killer R&B during the commercial breaks, then transitioned flawlessly into a laid back jazz groove in support of that night’s musical guest, a flash in the pan trio half his age. Yes, the band had been great, he thought, as he exited onto 54th Street. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HERE'S SOMETHING I JUST WROTE FOR THE Here's Something I Just Wrote for the "Best Week Ever" Site. Ed Note: Michael Ian Black — whose gilded resume includes Stella, The State, the tragically DVD-less Viva Variety, and countless well-meaning “I love that guy on Best Week Ever !” compliments — is now the proud author of a book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A FEW THOUGHT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S SHORT In my previous post, I published a short story by my daughter Suri who is four. In this post, I’d like discuss that story. For those of you who have not had a chance to read the story, here itMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
A Bad Night at the Old Town “Great set tonight, Paul,” called Anton to the bandleader as the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater filed out the doors. “You too, babe,” replied Paul. It was true. Another great set in a lifetime of them. The CBS Orchestra had beensmoking tonight.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: CHICK'S STORY PART I People have been asking for more information about “Stand Up And Win,” the book I have consulting for my spiritual growth. Specifically, people are asking about the author, Chick Healy. Who is he? Where did he come from? What’s his MICHAEL IAN BLACK: THE TEXT OF A CHILDREN'S BOOK THAT I NOTE: I have a great relationship with my children's book editor at S&S (shortand those of us in the industry use when referring to Simon & Schuster), and I meanMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
Thank you! Also: hey everyone, I just bought "State By State With The State" ebook on Amazon for $5. Wow! Thank God I purchased the highly rare original paperback a few years ago off EBay for $60 (when most were going for $100+) MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESS Life is so busy these days. Consequently, we all face stress. Even me. Yes, I’m a busy celebrity whose days are filled with glamour, but I find it’s important to take a little “me” time each day to do a little activity that anybody, even you, can afford. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HAPPY NATIONAL TICKLE DAY!* Happy National Tickle Day!*. Well, it’s January 31st again and like every January 31st, that means it’s National Tickle Day*, the day when you take a little bit of time out of your day to tickle somebody special. I’ve got some big plans for National Tickle Day*, starting with an early morning tickle session with Mrs. Black. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: CLOTHING OPTIONAL RESORTS When I was writing about the beach yesterday I started thinking about clothing optional resorts. As somebody who is kind of a perv, I obviously like this idea, but the more I look at pictures from these places, the more I realize "clothing optional" is just a euphemism for "unattractive required." MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOME I'm home for one day before heading back out to Vancouver. Last night Sho and I did a big show at the Fillmore (formerly Irving Plaza) in New York. A very good show, featuring an MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A FEW THOUGHT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S SHORT In my previous post, I published a short story by my daughter Suri who is four. In this post, I’d like discuss that story. For those of you who have not had a chance to read the story, here it is, reprinted inits entirety:
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: A GREAT WRITE-UP IN ADVANCE OF STELLA'S Throughout the history, great comedic troupes have either come in pairs (Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Spade and Farley) or in larger groups, but Wain, Showalter and Black prove easily, prove that three is funny. All accomplished comedians in their own right, Showalter, Black and Wain combined in 1997 to form "Stella," a comedy troupe that became a mainstay in New York's Greenwich Village. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: PLEASE EVERYBODY, LET'S STOP MAKING Sea turtles are great. I’m just going to say that right here at the outset to allay any confusion about my feelings regarding sea turtles. They’re great and we should not hunt them to extinction. Yes, sea turtles are long-lived MICHAEL IAN BLACK: FOR ANYBODY INTERESTED Herein I continue my conversation with Courtney the Marxist Revolutionary, who responded to me after I responded to her, all of which you can read in the past few posts beginning with the one about Barack Obama being black. Fair MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOLY SHIT Feeling Too Much Isn’t Bad by Melissa Karnaze on July 23, 2009 Last week Terry Gross interviewed comedian Michael Ian Black on NPR’s “Fresh Air.” In the show, MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HEY DORITOS, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER This a rich, orange vein you could mine forever, Michael Ian Black. Why? Because just around the corner from Doritos in the snack aisle (okay, down the lane, to be totally accurate) are Cheetos, and how the beep-beep, zip-tang, far-cooler-than-me-or-you Chester Cheetah morphed into a diminutive lurking psychopath bent on pouring his calumny into the ears of laundromat customers and office MICHAEL IAN BLACK: WEATHER CHECK-IN They said it might snow today. So far, no snow, which is probably a good thing as I've been doing yardwork in my bathing suit all day. I know what you're wondering: "Don't you MICHAEL IAN BLACK: STELLA TOUR KICKS OFF THIS SUNDAY IN PHILLY So we are only four days away from starting our Winter ’08 Stella tour, which is very exciting although I think it’s a fair question to ask whether or not we will be ready. As it is, the script is MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TUCKER MAX IS QUAKING IN HIS LITTLE So Tucker Max has officially accepted my challenge to a fight. Good. That was the easy part. The hard part? Deciding exactly how I am going to rearrange his face. Will IMICHAEL IAN BLACK
The CBS Orchestra had been smoking tonight. They laid down some killer R&B during the commercial breaks, then transitioned flawlessly into a laid back jazz groove in support of that night’s musical guest, a flash in the pan trio half his age. Yes, the band had been great, he thought, as he exited onto 54th Street. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HERE'S SOMETHING I JUST WROTE FOR THE Here's Something I Just Wrote for the "Best Week Ever" Site. Ed Note: Michael Ian Black — whose gilded resume includes Stella, The State, the tragically DVD-less Viva Variety, and countless well-meaning “I love that guy on Best Week Ever !” compliments — is now the proud author of a book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing EssaysMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
A Bad Night at the Old Town “Great set tonight, Paul,” called Anton to the bandleader as the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater filed out the doors. “You too, babe,” replied Paul. It was true. Another great set in a lifetime of them. The CBS Orchestra had beensmoking tonight.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR WHERE TUCKER AND I I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probablytake him
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HAPPY NATIONAL TICKLE DAY!* Happy National Tickle Day!*. Well, it’s January 31st again and like every January 31st, that means it’s National Tickle Day*, the day when you take a little bit of time out of your day to tickle somebody special. I’ve got some big plans for National Tickle Day*, starting with an early morning tickle session with Mrs. Black.MICHAEL IAN BLACK:
Thank you! Also: hey everyone, I just bought "State By State With The State" ebook on Amazon for $5. Wow! Thank God I purchased the highly rare original paperback a few years ago off EBay for $60 (when most were going for $100+) MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOLLYWOOD EXPLAINED PART III I repeat at the beginning my last paragraph of my previous post, which details how meetings in LA go down. Then I continue with the secret information you need to know to survive Hollywood. So the person walkstowards you,
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TIME'S UP! Well, the "Millionth Viewer Contest" has come to end. What a smashing success it turned out to be. All told, there were 21,046 submissions(give or take). Now
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TRANSCRIPT OF WASHINGTON POST CHAT We just finished and had a lovely time, although I didn't realize Showalter was ragging on me until after the fact because we were in separate locations. Had I known I MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOT POKER SEX Last night I went to my favorite place in Los Angeles, the Commerce Casino, for some hot poker sex. Did I win? Let’s put it this way: yes. Most of you have probably never seen that much money in one place before and chances are you’re freaking out.MICHAEL IAN BLACK
The CBS Orchestra had been smoking tonight. They laid down some killer R&B during the commercial breaks, then transitioned flawlessly into a laid back jazz groove in support of that night’s musical guest, a flash in the pan trio half his age. Yes, the band had been great, he thought, as he exited onto 54th Street. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HERE'S SOMETHING I JUST WROTE FOR THE Here's Something I Just Wrote for the "Best Week Ever" Site. Ed Note: Michael Ian Black — whose gilded resume includes Stella, The State, the tragically DVD-less Viva Variety, and countless well-meaning “I love that guy on Best Week Ever !” compliments — is now the proud author of a book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing EssaysMICHAEL IAN BLACK:
A Bad Night at the Old Town “Great set tonight, Paul,” called Anton to the bandleader as the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater filed out the doors. “You too, babe,” replied Paul. It was true. Another great set in a lifetime of them. The CBS Orchestra had beensmoking tonight.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR WHERE TUCKER AND I I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probablytake him
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HAPPY NATIONAL TICKLE DAY!* Happy National Tickle Day!*. Well, it’s January 31st again and like every January 31st, that means it’s National Tickle Day*, the day when you take a little bit of time out of your day to tickle somebody special. I’ve got some big plans for National Tickle Day*, starting with an early morning tickle session with Mrs. Black.MICHAEL IAN BLACK:
Thank you! Also: hey everyone, I just bought "State By State With The State" ebook on Amazon for $5. Wow! Thank God I purchased the highly rare original paperback a few years ago off EBay for $60 (when most were going for $100+) MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOLLYWOOD EXPLAINED PART III I repeat at the beginning my last paragraph of my previous post, which details how meetings in LA go down. Then I continue with the secret information you need to know to survive Hollywood. So the person walkstowards you,
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TIME'S UP! Well, the "Millionth Viewer Contest" has come to end. What a smashing success it turned out to be. All told, there were 21,046 submissions(give or take). Now
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TRANSCRIPT OF WASHINGTON POST CHAT We just finished and had a lovely time, although I didn't realize Showalter was ragging on me until after the fact because we were in separate locations. Had I known I MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOT POKER SEX Last night I went to my favorite place in Los Angeles, the Commerce Casino, for some hot poker sex. Did I win? Let’s put it this way: yes. Most of you have probably never seen that much money in one place before and chances are you’re freaking out. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HOME I'm home for one day before heading back out to Vancouver. Last night Sho and I did a big show at the Fillmore (formerly Irving Plaza) in New York. A very good show, featuring an MICHAEL IAN BLACK: ANNOUNCING THE FIRST EVER “TRANSFORM . This is some exciting, exciting stuff. In my quest to rid the best-seller lists of all things Spedaris, I am pleased to announce this contest, which was created by my friend and blog-helper Steve Huff.. The idea is so simple it’s genius: take any photo of the cigarette-devouring David Sedaris MICHAEL IAN BLACK: CLOTHING OPTIONAL RESORTS When I was writing about the beach yesterday I started thinking about clothing optional resorts. As somebody who is kind of a perv, I obviously like this idea, but the more I look at pictures from these places, the more I realize "clothing optional" is just a euphemism for "unattractive required." MICHAEL IAN BLACK: HEY DORITOS, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER This a rich, orange vein you could mine forever, Michael Ian Black. Why? Because just around the corner from Doritos in the snack aisle (okay, down the lane, to be totally accurate) are Cheetos, and how the beep-beep, zip-tang, far-cooler-than-me-or-you Chester Cheetah morphed into a diminutive lurking psychopath bent on pouring his calumny into the ears of laundromat customers and office MICHAEL IAN BLACK: SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESS Life is so busy these days. Consequently, we all face stress. Even me. Yes, I’m a busy celebrity whose days are filled with glamour, but I find it’s important to take a little “me” time each day to do a little activity that anybody, even you, can afford. MICHAEL IAN BLACK: THE TEXT OF A CHILDREN'S BOOK THAT I NOTE: I have a great relationship with my children's book editor at S&S (shortand those of us in the industry use when referring to Simon & Schuster), and I mean MICHAEL IAN BLACK: STELLA TOUR KICKS OFF THIS SUNDAY IN PHILLY So we are only four days away from starting our Winter ’08 Stella tour, which is very exciting although I think it’s a fair question to ask whether or not we will be ready. As it is, the script is MICHAEL IAN BLACK: TUCKER MAX IS QUAKING IN HIS LITTLE So Tucker Max has officially accepted my challenge to a fight. Good. That was the easy part. The hard part? Deciding exactly how I am going to rearrange his face. Will I MICHAEL IAN BLACK: LET THIS BE A WARNING TO ALL THE Only hours ago, I made my celebrity endorsement available to all presidential candidates in a “winner takes all” bidding process. Already one of those candidates has fallen. Mitt Romney, had you contacted me, who knows how things might have turned MICHAEL IAN BLACK: DISAPPOINTING NEWS FOR THOSE OF US For those of us who have been anxiously wondering when scientists would finally get around to creating a black hole that would swallow our planet whole, apparently we are going to have to wait a little while longer. In August,MICHAEL IAN BLACK
Home
MAY 07, 2014
PLEASE EVERYBODY, LET'S STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT SEA TURTLES Sea turtles are great. I’m just going to say that right here at the outset to allay any confusion about my feelings regarding sea turtles. They’re great and we should not hunt them to extinction. Yes, sea turtles are long-lived and good swimmers. Yes, they make adorable sea turtle babies who dash from the sand to the ocean in a frenzied "Logan’s Run" meets "Hunger Games" survival contest that is both thrilling and heart-rending to watch. Yes, we attribute to sea turtles a certain degree of anthropomorphic wisdom because they gaze out at the world with those half-lidded sea turtle eyes of theirs, eyes that, had they had been at the right place at the right time, might have seen the Wright Brothers take off from Kitty Hawk in 1906, or even Napoleon exiled to St. Helena in 1815.But…
Let’s stop making such a big deal out of sea turtles. Other animals are just as old or older (one clam was determined to be over 450 years old but nobody’s freaking out about it), many animals are cuter, and most of your run-of-the-mill primates are smarter. In short, there is no compelling reason why I shouldn’t kill a sea turtle or two and use its shell (carapace) to make an attractive and unique snow sledfor my children.
Of course, a sea turtle shell (carapace) by itself will not make a satisfactory snow sled without proper lacquering. Googling “What lacquer should I use to make a snow sled out of a sea turtle shell (carapace)” did not return any good results, which leads me to believe I am going to need to experiment with several lacquers on several shells (carapaces), which will obviously necessitate obtaining several sea turtles, as well as an assortment of lacquers. The lacquers should not be a problem, but I am concerned about the turtles because people make such a big deal out of them. Therein lies myproblem.
Please everybody, let’s stop making such a big deal out of seaturtles.
And let’s start making a bigger deal out of my children. I have two: Trident and Gossamer. Trident is a precocious, but undersized, twelve-year-old boy who is regularly bullied by his larger, able-bodied classmates. Gossamer is a rather butch eight-year-old girl who has a problem with aggression. Both have self-image problems due to their father’s fame and conspicuous absences from the home. I just know their problems would be solved if they each had a unique, hand-crafted snow sled crafted from an endangered sea turtle shell(carapace).
Ask yourself: are sea turtles more important than my human children? Obviously I do not think every negligent father can solve his children’s problems by killing sea turtles. That’s ridiculous. But I honestly believe this father can. All I’m asking for is a little support. It’s going to take a lot of sea turtles for me to make things right with my kids, and a lot of lacquer, but I know in my heart it’s what the sea turtles would want. Let me have this. Let me earn my children's love. Because I'm going to Tampa for two weeks next week and I really don't want them to give meany shit about it.
May 7, 2014 6:45:16 PM* Comment 6
* Reblog It 0
APRIL 25, 2014
SPRING/SUMMER 2014 TOUR DATES 5/27 - Washington D.C.: 9:30 Club 5/28 - Philadelphia, PA: Trocadero 5/30 - Somerville, MA: Johnny D's 5/31 - New York, NY: Subculture 6/6 - Seattle, WA: The Showbox 6/7 - Portland, OR: Hawthorne Theater 6/8 - San Francisco, CA: The Chapel 6/9 - Chicago, IL: UP Comedy Club (2 Shows) 6/10 - Minneapolis, MN: Varsity Theater 6/11 - Milwaukee, WI: Turner Hall 6/12 - Ferndale, MI: The Magic Bag 6/13 - Cleveland Heights, OH: Grog Shop 6/14 - Pittsburgh, PA: Club Cafe 6/15 - Columbus, OH: Woodland's Tavern Apr 25, 2014 12:12:56 AM* Comment 5
* Reblog It 0
MARCH 31, 2014
A Bad Night at the Old Town “Great set tonight, Paul,” called Anton to the bandleader as the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater filed out the doors. “You too, babe,” replied Paul. It was true. Another great set in a lifetime of them. The CBS Orchestra had been smoking tonight. They laid down some killer R&B during the commercial breaks, then transitioned flawlessly into a laid back jazz groove in support of that night’s musical guest, a flash in the pan trio half his age. Yes, the band had been great, he thought, as he exited onto 54thStreet.
“Share a cab?” Paul turned to see who was speaking to him. It was the new guy, Aaron Heick. Dude was mean with his saxophone, but a real kitten in real life. “Some of the guys from the CBS Orchestra are getting’ a drink if you’re up for it.” Paul considered the offer. It had been a while since he’d hung out with the guys after work. And what did he have to go home to, anway? His wife, Cathy Vasapoli was out of town with their daughter Victoria and son, Will. It would be another lonely night back at the apartment with nothing but a glass of chilled Moscato to keep him company. “Sure, Aaron. A drink would be fun.” They climbed into the back of a yellow taxicab. “Take me to the Old Town Bar & Grill,” called Aaron. “Sure thing, Mac,” replied the grizzled cabby. As the car started weaving through the Times Square traffic, Paul noticed the cabbie’s eyes darting in the rearview. “Say, ain’t you Paul Shaffer?” “Yes I am,” replied Paul. Fame could be annoying sometimes, but this old-timer made him feel right at home. “Big fan,” replied the cabby. “Thank you,” said Paul. “What am I, chopped liver?” asked Aaron, and they all had a goodlaugh.
The cab deposited the two men at the Old Town Bar & Restaurant, per their request. When Paul handed the driver a fifty dollar bill, the old-timer refused to take it. “It’s on me,” said the grizzled vet. “Thanks for the memories.” “Well the tip is on me,” said Paul, stuffing the fifty into the man’s shirt pocket. “Thanks, Paul! You’re alright!” The cab beeped twice and pulled off, disappearing into the bright New York night. “I bet this place brings back some memories,” said Aaron, leading Paul to the front doors. “It sure does,” said Paul. “We used that sign during the original show credits for ‘Late Night with David Letterman.’” “I know,” replied Aaron. “That’s why I said it in the firstplace.”
The two shared a laugh and entered the bar. This should be fun, thought Paul. “Hey gang!” he called out, but was met with silence. The lights were out. What was this? A surprise party? It’s not mybirthday!
Paul felt around for a light switch, found one, and flipped it on. “Oh my God,” whispered Paul. Behind him, he heard Aaron gasp. Scattered around the Old Town Bar and Restaurant was every member of the CBS Orchestra riddled with bullets. There was Felicia Collins, their talented guitarist and vocalist. She’d been shot in the chest. She was dead. Slumped next to her their other guitarist Sid McGinnis, his face a bloody horror mask. Their bassist and good friend Will Lee looked as if he’d tried to stop the murderer, but he’d been killed, too. Tom Malone and Franke Greene had been cut down, too, as if they hadn’t been talented musicians in their own right. Some former band members Bernie Worrell, Bruce Kapler, and Al Chez were also at the bar, and also dead. Paul looked around, dazed. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “I’m going to call 911,” said Aaron, dashing off to the street. Paul was left alone, contemplating the carnage. Who would do this? And why? He didn’t know, but he would find the answers. Somehow, some way, Paul Shaffer would have his revenge. It had been a great set that night. If only he had known it was the final set the CBS Orchestra would ever play. Paul fell to his knees and, for the first time since becoming David Letterman's bandleader in 1982, he wept. Mar 31, 2014 10:50:51 PM* Comment 8
* Reblog It 0
JANUARY 17, 2014
I have received many requests from people wondering how they can hear my interview with Howard Stern. Here it is in its entirety. Jan 17, 2014 12:05:11 PM* Comment 7
* Reblog It 0
SEPTEMBER 23, 2013
I DO RUN RUN RUN, I DO RUN RUN The fact that I run is a source of mild embarrassment to me. It’s not the kind of thing I go around telling people because there’s something a little showoffy about distance running, even if you are as unaccomplished and slow as me. Runners don’t normally go around telling people how far they ran that day because that would be gauche, but a runner knows to the tenth, or even hundredth, of a mile exactly the distance he traveled, and how long it took him to do so. He knows the fastest time he has ever run that same distance. He carries those records like totems. Because its accomplishments are most often achieved in solitude, a runner’s pride can sometimes get the best of him. Pass a runner in your car on a cold early morning and I pretty much guarantee that runner is thinking _I am better than you. _It’s a terrible thought to have, even though it is correct. Runners routinely endure suffering for no reason other than to have done so. What other reason is there to run five or fifteen or twenty-six point two miles at a time? Fitness can be achieved at shorter distances. Weight loss can be accomplished with less pain. So why else do it? Why else commit oneself to long slogs through rain and sun? Running is an act of vanity, one that measures itself not by flatterers but by footsteps. After tens of thousands of those footsteps, and miles and miles endured, is it not natural to believe oneself to be at least a little bit better than those who chose to convey themselves through space in more comfortable environs? No runner would ever express that thought out loud, of course. Except for me, because I am kind of an asshole. Running is a private activity done publicly, usually on roads and trails. A runner puts herself into the world, half-dressed, hair a mess, face red, sweat-soaked and unattractive. She does this in full view of all passersby, showing herself in a more vulnerable state than she would ever do in her workplace or among her friends. In that running space, within the confines of her run, she is free from having to look a certain way or dress a certain way except as it pertains to running, from having to talk at all, from having to engage with anyone she does not wish to engage with, from having to be anything other than a small machine transporting the body from point A to point B. It is simple and beautiful for being simple. People sometimes equate running with spirituality or meditation. To be out there, alone, in private reverie, can invite the same sorts of wonder and self-discovery as religious contemplation. Suffering, too, is intimately tied to both endeavors. Religion loves its penitents to suffer. Oh boy, does religion love suffering; it is through suffering that we find forgiveness and grace. Never through ice cream. But runners aren’t seeking forgiveness, and the only grace they are searching for is economy of motion. Some runners, like myself, look for clarity in their running, moments of escape from self, as the repetition unbinds mind from thought and allows the body to take control for a little while. But those moments are fleeting and never produce anything like enlightenment. Usually, they just produce a bum knee or an upset stomach. Spirituality is spirituality and running is running. Yes, running can evoke spiritual feelings. But so can watching leaves fall from trees. So can anything. I run because I run. Which isn’t the reason I started running. I started running because I thought maybe I _would _find enlightenment. I thought great suffering would produce great knowledge. No. It doesn’t. Or maybe I just haven’t suffered enough. After all, I am still a novice runner. As I write this, I have yet to run my first half marathon, which is coming up in a couple weeks. Yesterday I ran the furthest I have ever run, eleven and a half miles (11.55 to be exact in a time of 1:52:38) fighting a keen desire to poo the entire way. When I got done, I went straight to the toilet. As I sat there, I started to pass out and had to remove myself to the floor, my shorts around my ankles, where I muttered a feeble “help” to an empty house. I broke out in a fresh, cold sweat and after several minutes of lying on the floor, I righted myself, and finished my business on the toilet. It was a bad end to an otherwise good run. In the shower later, I noticed my bloody nipples and chafed arm. Nipples chafe and bleed from rubbing against shirt fabric. The arm, I think, grew irritated from rubbing against my sleeve hole. Today the redness is crosshatched like a waffle fry and it hurts when I touch it. My nipples are already scabbed over and pain free. But my calves are sore and my stomach still feels a little dicey. Tomorrow I will run again because I run. And also because I am better than you. Sep 23, 2013 12:52:50 PM* Comment 11
* Reblog It 0
DECEMBER 15, 2012
THE WILDS OF CONNECTICUT There is a place in Newtown called Ferris Acres Creamery, a working dairy farm that serves unbelievable ice cream. There’s no counter at the Creamery, no indoor serving area, just a couple windows where high school kids take your order for Moose Tracks or Elvis’s Dream or, my son’s favorite, vanilla with rainbow sprinkles. In summer, the parking lot is always filled with SUVs and minivans and motorcycles, people coming ] to sit outside in the warm weather, look at the cows, roll down the grassy hill, and eat ice cream with their neighbors. Last night people gathered in Newtown for a different reason. Like millions of others, I watched portions of the service from St. Rose of Lima, a Roman Catholic church just down the road from the Starbucks. The faces I saw on television are faces I know, faces we all know, faces we have seen so many times over the years. In my case, though, never so close to home. When the reports first came in yesterday, I was at home, ten miles from Sandy Hook Elementary. I called my wife downstairs to tell her what was going on, and while we were both startled, the initial information was that shots had been fired and that somebody had been transported to the hospital with a foot injury. And then we were told it was going to get a lot worse. How much worse we could not haveimagined. Not here.
Emails started arriving from our school district. Classes would be dismissed as usual. Police were arriving at all the schools. No, they hadn’t informed the little ones what happened. They enclosed some tips for how to talk to the kids when they get home. When the bus finally came, I met my daughter at the driveway. “How was school?” I asked. “Good,” she said. When we got in the house, I gave her a big hug and told her I love her. “Your breath stinks,” she said. That was fine by me. After my son got home an hour later, I hugged him too and told him I loved him. “Whatever,” he said. And that was fine, too. We sat the kids down and told them what happened. Something bad. People had been killed, including children. You guys are safe, though. Do you have any questions? No. Okay. We love you. We’ll always love you. Yes, you can play videogames. For dinner, we had our Friday night regular: pizza. We played Uno. Wesat by the fire.
Before she went to bed, my daughter asked my wife if it had been especially windy outside today. “I don’t think so,” my wife said, “Why do you ask?” “Oh, because it looked really nice out but the teachers said there was a storm so we couldn’t have outdoor recess.” My wife and I held each other for a long time in bed this morning and after a while, our daughter got in bed with us, too. It’s a bright, sunny day here in the wilds of Connecticut where I live, a perfect December day. That’s what I call it when people ask me where I live - “the wilds of Connecticut” - because Connecticut, while rural, is a manicured wilderness. The gravest danger any of us normally face is hitting a deer while driving. The Creamery is closed today. The churches are open. Dec 15, 2012 3:13:14 PM* Comment 17
* Reblog It 0
MARCH 16, 2012
DESPICABLE WE
Oh Michael Jackson, musical prophet. You always had the words when words failed us. Wasn’t it you, possible molester of boys, who toldus:
_ If you want to make the world a better place_ _ Take a look at yourself and make a... change. _ Had I heeded your words all those years ago, perhaps I would not be struggling with my own mixed emotions regarding a column I recently wrote for Vice magazine entitled “Dead Celebrities.”
In that column, which was about phony piousness in the wake of a celebrity death (a piousness which reached hysterical highs upon the passing of the aforementioned possible molester of boys Mr. Jackson), I called the recently deceased Internet publisher Andrew Breitbart “a despicable human being.” This was about twenty-four hours after he died. Several weeks later, I had occasion to rethink these words for reasons that are unimportant. Upon reflection, I began regretting that exact choice of words because I did not know Mr. Breitbart, only the clown nose he put upon his face when shaking his seltzer bottle and dick pics at Liberals intent on destroying all that is good and holy. The only Andrew Breitbart I knew was the public one, not the husband and father of four. The public Mr. Breitbart was, in my estimation, indeed despicable. Not for his political ideology, but for his seemingly gleeful destruction of individuals, organizations, andreputations.
Upon the passing of Ted Kennedy (husband, father, grandfather) he said, “Why do you grant a bully special status upon his death?” Which was a similar point I was making in my column. But Mr. Breitbart’s tactics were nothing if not bullying; he did not use the word “despicable” in his obituary to Senator Kennedy, preferring the terms “villain,” “duplicitous prick” and “bastard.” So the question I had to ask myself was, “Am I also being despicable for expressing my opinion about Andrew Breitbart?” Was I being despicable for writing in a separate tweet that Rick Santorum was going to allow Ricky Martin to cum on his face as an, admittedly crude, point about Santorum’s homophobia? Was I being despicable for calling Rush Limbaugh a cunt? Or for making a joke about admiring Sandra Bullock’s “new dress and face” at the Oscars? Yes, I suppose I was. My question to myself: where is the line? Opinions are like Newtonian physics. Every one will have an equal and opposite counter-opinion. So how do you express yourself without offense? The more forcefully you make a point, the more you offend. As entertainers, comedians, radio hosts, pundits, or just ordinary citizens, that’s something we haveto accept.
I regret saying that Andrew Breitbart was a despicable human being because I did not know the totality of his humanity. I did not know him as a father or husband or friend. I only knew his public persona, which was indeed despicable. And kind of scummy. Rarely do we know more about each other than the public faces we present to the world. The private person can be very different. The question I’ve been asking myself, though, is which is the “real” person? It’s a question I’ve been asking about a lot of people during this horrible political season we’re experiencing, inparticular myself.
Like anybody else in my profession, I am trying to use humor to make larger points. Some of them are offensive. Some of them just aren't funny. But that's the risk I take. Every day. In the case of calling of Andrew Breitbart “despicable,” I wasn’t making a joke. It’s what I think. And just as I stand by my jokes, I stand by my opinions. I piss people off sometimes. Words have consequences and I will attempt to accept mine whenever and however merited. Just as possible molester of boys Michael Jackson asked me to do, I am currently looking at the man in the mirror. Mar 16, 2012 2:31:37 PM* Comment 45
* Reblog It 0
MARCH 10, 2012
SLUT BITCH WHORE
Everybody is outraged – OUTRAGED! – over language hurled against women these last few weeks. First it was Rush Limbaugh. Then Bill Maher. Now Louis C.K. has resigned from hosting the Radio and TV Correspondent’s Dinner after Greta Van Susteren threatened a boycott because during the last election Louis called Sarah Palin a cunt. _From Greta Van Susteren’s blog: “he changed his mind less than 24 hours after I called for a boycott. I assume many others jumped on the call for the boycott and thus he made the right decision. We didit together.”_
Sincere congratulations to Ms. Van Susteren. You asked for his removal and you got it. The lesson: words have consequences. His words, your words, everybody’s words. Mr. Rogers would be thrilled. No word yet on Ms. Van Susteren success in her boycott of Rush Limbaugh’s show because no such boycott exists. Why the selective outrage? Because, as always, these things have far less to do with _what _was said and more to do with _who _said them. Like the words themselves, they have to be viewed in context. The difference between what Louis said, and what Rush said is this: in his apology, Rush made a point of saying that his personal attacks on Ms. Fluke, were not intended “as a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.” In other words, when he specifically called Sandra Fluke a “slut,” “a prostitute,” and encouraged her to post sex videos of herself online so he could watch, it was not _personal. _It was, therefore, _general. _Which I, for one, believe because it fits perfectly within the larger _context _of Rush Limbaugh’s twenty-plus years of ad hominem attacks on “feminazis” and gratuitous comments about all female journalists as “news babes.” With Louis, his insult was actually the opposite: it was a _highly personal _attack. The target of his insult, Sarah Palin, so infuriated him that he felt the need to call her the very worst name he could think of. His insult referred to a specific woman at a specific timeand place.
Did Louis cross the line? Yeah. Did Bill Maher? Yeah. Have I at times? Yeah. Has Greta Van Susteren ever crossed the line? Have you, in your personal conversations? Yeah. We all have. The difference is context. Do a Google search of the horrible shit Rush Limbaugh has said about women. Then do a search on Louis C.K. See if it’s comparable. Louis _did_ use those words, and opted to drop out of an incestuous Washington dinner party rather than make himself the focus of this recurring debate on language. But the reason more people don’t give a shit about what Louis C.K. said is not because of a liberal bias – does anybody even _know _what Louis C.K.’s politics are, aside from hating Sarah Palin (a sentiment shared by many _Republicans)_?_ _– but because the charge of misogyny just doesn’t hold a lot of waterwith Louis.
With Rush it does. Regular listeners to Rush Limbaugh’s program, as I have been for years, are not surprised when he finds himself lambasted for his petulance, name-calling, and race baiting. It’s what he does. He’s kind of a cunt that way. Mar 10, 2012 9:03:25 AM* Comment 44
* Reblog It 0
FEBRUARY 29, 2012
SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTING WHORE You are right to be annoyed with me. In fact, nobody is more annoyed with me for using my Twitter account to mercilessly flog my new book than me. But over the last month ("Black: His Story Month"), that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Not because I am some self-aggrandizing douchebag, but because I have worked too hard on this project to let it disappear without doing everything I can tohelp it succeed.
I’ve been on Twitter for three years. In those three years, I’ve written nearly eleven thousand tweets. Nearly all of them were jokes. That’s a lot of jokes. Until this month, I have rarely used my account for self-promotion for the obvious reason that it’s as irritating as an open fuck sore. But a good portion of those three years was also spent writing my book. I did it alone, in my home, on airplanes, in coffee shops and hotel rooms. I threw away most of what I wrote. I failed and failed and failed. And eventually, I figured out what I wanted to say and how to say it. I got it to a place where I am proud of the work and want as many people to read it as possible. The book industry is similar to the movie industry. If you don’t have a hit right out of the gates, everybody forgets about you. So it’s important to get off to a strong start and hope word of mouth takes it from there. That’s what I'm doing. Yes, I’m being a shameless self-promoting whore. I know it’s annoying. Please bear with me. Or better yet, buy the book. Please RT. Feb 29, 2012 10:23:12 PM* Comment 34
* Reblog It 0
FEBRUARY 26, 2012
TO THE INEPT
Some people emerge into adulthood as fully formed human beings, confident and able. These are people with clear visions of themselves, people who stride into the world with strong handshakes and winning smiles. I was not one of those people. As I entered adulthood, I had some vague idea about the kind of person I would like to become, but my expectations for myself never quite aligned with the reality I lived, the way a door sometimes hangs badly off its hinges. In my head, I was a suave, debonair man about town, slayer of womanly hearts. In reality, I was a zitty, awkward introvert and a bad kisser who spent most nights alone in his apartment eating Buffalo chicken wings out of a cardboard box. Then one day I found myself living in the suburbs with a wife and two kids, utterly bewildered as to how I found myself in the circumstances of my own life. So I wrote a book to figure out how I got here and what to do aboutit.
The book is called _You’re Not Doing It Right, _which is a sentence my wife said to me the first time I ever smoked pot, but which I think pretty much describes how I have felt about myself my entire life. I suspect there are many people out who feel as I used to, that everybody else has their shit figured out, that they are the only ones muddling through life with this intense feeling of incompetence, that any successes that have are accidental and any failures deserved. But the older I get, the more I realize people like me, the befuddled and inept, are actually the majority. We’re like a massive army of morons. None of us has _any idea _what we are doing. Yet somehow we remain upright. Somehow we manage to tie our shoes and feed ourselves. Some of us find love. Some of us make babies, and sometimes it’seven on purpose.
And sometimes we fuck it all up. If writing this book taught me anything, it’s that I cannot figure anything out. Not personally and not professionally. The plans that I make inevitably go awry, the choices I make almost always seem incorrect, and yet somehow here I am, forty years old and happy. Of course, I take a lot of pills, but still. _You’re Not Doing It Right _will probably not grant you any wisdom. It will solve none of your problems. It will not give you washboard abs. But if you get anything out of it, I hope it’s this: we are all colossal fuck-ups, every single one of us, and if, by some reason, you are one of the happy few who never takes a false step and always knows exactly what is just around every corner, you’re doing it wrong. Feb 26, 2012 11:38:28 AM* Comment 28
* Reblog It 0
Next »
MICHAEL IAN BLACK
Noted Expert
1 Following
544 Followers
SEARCH
RECENT COMMENTS
*
TIMIR SHAH: http://google.com... | more » On First Review of "My Custom Van"*
TIMIR SHAH: google ... | more » On First Review of "My Custom Van"*
TIMIR SHAH: http://google.com... | more » On Finally! I'm Involved in a Murder Investigation * Subscribe to this blog's feed * Powered by TypepadDetails
Copyright © 2024 ArchiveBay.com. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | DMCA | 2021 | Feedback | Advertising | RSS 2.0