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tyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
EUROVISION ORGANISERS TO SAVE TIME BY GETTING EVERY Eurovision organisers to save time by getting every country to award UK ‘nil points’ in advance. The UK has been awarded ‘nil points’ by every European nation for tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, as organisers seek to save time spent asking them for a score on the night. With the UK still everyone’s favourite nation inEurope
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become BAILIFFS COLLECTING BORIS JOHNSON’S £535 CCJ DEBT LEAVE Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper. After the courts found in favour of Boris’ creditor and issued a County Court Judgement to the value of £535, bailiffs were instructed to visit the prime minister’s residence to seize goods that would cover the value of the debt, plus their costs. MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH The much-anticipated Friends Reunion has shocked fans by revealing that the entire 10-season run was actually a hallucination inside the drug-addled mind of the comatose coffee shop owner, Gunther. Disappointed Lukashenko can’t understand why hijacking airliner to abduct journalist hasn’t made people stop calling him a dangeroustyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
EUROVISION ORGANISERS TO SAVE TIME BY GETTING EVERY Eurovision organisers to save time by getting every country to award UK ‘nil points’ in advance. The UK has been awarded ‘nil points’ by every European nation for tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, as organisers seek to save time spent asking them for a score on the night. With the UK still everyone’s favourite nation inEurope
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become BAILIFFS COLLECTING BORIS JOHNSON’S £535 CCJ DEBT LEAVE Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper. After the courts found in favour of Boris’ creditor and issued a County Court Judgement to the value of £535, bailiffs were instructed to visit the prime minister’s residence to seize goods that would cover the value of the debt, plus their costs. MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
MARXISM REPLACES ORWELLIAN AS DIMWITS’ FAVOURITE TERM TO Linguists have confirmed the commonly held suspicion that turnip-shaped bigots and other Talk Radio employees now prefer to label things that get their spittle flying as ‘Marxist’ instead of ‘Orwellian’ although they still know bugger all about either term. MARCUS RASHFORD SEIZES THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION Manchester United forward and avowed Marxist Marcus Rashford has announced that he has seized the means of production in Burton-on-Trent where the England team are based for the Euros, and that the communist revolution will begin imminently. “BOOING THE KNEE ISN’T RACIST” INSIST RACISTS England fans booing players taking the knee in a stand against racism definitely are not racists, according to reports this morning. England football players, and indeed most players from other international teams, have been taking the knee before the start of matches, with sections of the crowd booing the gesture. ‘I CHOOSE TO BOO BECAUSE I’M AGAINST THE MARXIST IDEOLOGY An England fan has today explained that he is choosing to boo at players taking the knee in protest against the Marxist ideology that is being promoted by absolutely no one on the pitch. WHO RENAMES COVID VARIANTS AFTER SPICE GIRLS The World Health Organisation (WHO?) has announced a new naming system for current and future Covid variants. From now on, WHO will use the Spice Girls nicknames to refer to the variants. JACK GREALISH PERFECTS ‘SCHRODINGER’S CHALLENGE’, WHICH IS Monday 7 June 2021. Jack Grealish perfects ‘Schrödinger’s tackle’, which is both an obvious dive AND blatant foul until hisshirt is observed
‘IT’S JUST NO MAINTENANCE WHATSOEVER’ INSISTS MAN ON HIS A man has been singing the praises today of the newly installed, hassle-free, zero-maintenance artificial lawn in his garden, all whilst crouched on his hands and knees hoovering up bits for the thirdtime this week.
HARRY AND MEGHAN ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DIANA PEOPLE’S Harry and Meghan have announced the birth of their daughter – Diana People’s Princess Up Yours Fuckers Mountbatten Spencer – who will be known as ‘Lady Di’ or ‘Up Yours Fuckers’ depending on who they’re talking to. ABSOLUTE BELLEND MAKES SMALL CHILD COMPLETE CRAZY GOLF A twat is forcing his six-year-old son to score his mini-golf round correctly. The sun is out, venues are opening up and crazy golf courses everywhere have massive queues because idiots are making their children play ‘properly’, despite the fact they’ve never held aclub before.
DECENT JOURNALISTS DON’T TRICK PEOPLE INTO INTERVIEWS, SAY Britons are delighted to be told by an assortment of racists-for-hire, phone hackers, blackmailers, stalkers and creeps who publish long-range lens bikini shots with the title “all grown up”, that the shady actions of one journalist decades ago should be the end ofthe BBC.
NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH The much-anticipated Friends Reunion has shocked fans by revealing that the entire 10-season run was actually a hallucination inside the drug-addled mind of the comatose coffee shop owner, Gunther. Disappointed Lukashenko can’t understand why hijacking airliner to abduct journalist hasn’t made people stop calling him a dangeroustyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
EUROVISION ORGANISERS TO SAVE TIME BY GETTING EVERY Eurovision organisers to save time by getting every country to award UK ‘nil points’ in advance. The UK has been awarded ‘nil points’ by every European nation for tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, as organisers seek to save time spent asking them for a score on the night. With the UK still everyone’s favourite nation inEurope
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become BAILIFFS COLLECTING BORIS JOHNSON’S £535 CCJ DEBT LEAVE Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper. After the courts found in favour of Boris’ creditor and issued a County Court Judgement to the value of £535, bailiffs were instructed to visit the prime minister’s residence to seize goods that would cover the value of the debt, plus their costs. MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH The much-anticipated Friends Reunion has shocked fans by revealing that the entire 10-season run was actually a hallucination inside the drug-addled mind of the comatose coffee shop owner, Gunther. Disappointed Lukashenko can’t understand why hijacking airliner to abduct journalist hasn’t made people stop calling him a dangeroustyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
EUROVISION ORGANISERS TO SAVE TIME BY GETTING EVERY Eurovision organisers to save time by getting every country to award UK ‘nil points’ in advance. The UK has been awarded ‘nil points’ by every European nation for tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, as organisers seek to save time spent asking them for a score on the night. With the UK still everyone’s favourite nation inEurope
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become BAILIFFS COLLECTING BORIS JOHNSON’S £535 CCJ DEBT LEAVE Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper. After the courts found in favour of Boris’ creditor and issued a County Court Judgement to the value of £535, bailiffs were instructed to visit the prime minister’s residence to seize goods that would cover the value of the debt, plus their costs. MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
MARXISM REPLACES ORWELLIAN AS DIMWITS’ FAVOURITE TERM TO Linguists have confirmed the commonly held suspicion that turnip-shaped bigots and other Talk Radio employees now prefer to label things that get their spittle flying as ‘Marxist’ instead of ‘Orwellian’ although they still know bugger all about either term. MARCUS RASHFORD SEIZES THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION Manchester United forward and avowed Marxist Marcus Rashford has announced that he has seized the means of production in Burton-on-Trent where the England team are based for the Euros, and that the communist revolution will begin imminently. “BOOING THE KNEE ISN’T RACIST” INSIST RACISTS England fans booing players taking the knee in a stand against racism definitely are not racists, according to reports this morning. England football players, and indeed most players from other international teams, have been taking the knee before the start of matches, with sections of the crowd booing the gesture. ‘I CHOOSE TO BOO BECAUSE I’M AGAINST THE MARXIST IDEOLOGY An England fan has today explained that he is choosing to boo at players taking the knee in protest against the Marxist ideology that is being promoted by absolutely no one on the pitch. WHO RENAMES COVID VARIANTS AFTER SPICE GIRLS The World Health Organisation (WHO?) has announced a new naming system for current and future Covid variants. From now on, WHO will use the Spice Girls nicknames to refer to the variants. JACK GREALISH PERFECTS ‘SCHRODINGER’S CHALLENGE’, WHICH IS Monday 7 June 2021. Jack Grealish perfects ‘Schrödinger’s tackle’, which is both an obvious dive AND blatant foul until hisshirt is observed
‘IT’S JUST NO MAINTENANCE WHATSOEVER’ INSISTS MAN ON HIS A man has been singing the praises today of the newly installed, hassle-free, zero-maintenance artificial lawn in his garden, all whilst crouched on his hands and knees hoovering up bits for the thirdtime this week.
HARRY AND MEGHAN ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DIANA PEOPLE’S Harry and Meghan have announced the birth of their daughter – Diana People’s Princess Up Yours Fuckers Mountbatten Spencer – who will be known as ‘Lady Di’ or ‘Up Yours Fuckers’ depending on who they’re talking to. ABSOLUTE BELLEND MAKES SMALL CHILD COMPLETE CRAZY GOLF A twat is forcing his six-year-old son to score his mini-golf round correctly. The sun is out, venues are opening up and crazy golf courses everywhere have massive queues because idiots are making their children play ‘properly’, despite the fact they’ve never held aclub before.
DECENT JOURNALISTS DON’T TRICK PEOPLE INTO INTERVIEWS, SAY Britons are delighted to be told by an assortment of racists-for-hire, phone hackers, blackmailers, stalkers and creeps who publish long-range lens bikini shots with the title “all grown up”, that the shady actions of one journalist decades ago should be the end ofthe BBC.
NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH The much-anticipated Friends Reunion has shocked fans by revealing that the entire 10-season run was actually a hallucination inside the drug-addled mind of the comatose coffee shop owner, Gunther. Disappointed Lukashenko can’t understand why hijacking airliner to abduct journalist hasn’t made people stop calling him a dangeroustyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
EUROVISION ORGANISERS TO SAVE TIME BY GETTING EVERY Eurovision organisers to save time by getting every country to award UK ‘nil points’ in advance. The UK has been awarded ‘nil points’ by every European nation for tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, as organisers seek to save time spent asking them for a score on the night. With the UK still everyone’s favourite nation inEurope
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become BAILIFFS COLLECTING BORIS JOHNSON’S £535 CCJ DEBT LEAVE Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper. After the courts found in favour of Boris’ creditor and issued a County Court Judgement to the value of £535, bailiffs were instructed to visit the prime minister’s residence to seize goods that would cover the value of the debt, plus their costs. MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH The much-anticipated Friends Reunion has shocked fans by revealing that the entire 10-season run was actually a hallucination inside the drug-addled mind of the comatose coffee shop owner, Gunther. Disappointed Lukashenko can’t understand why hijacking airliner to abduct journalist hasn’t made people stop calling him a dangeroustyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
EUROVISION ORGANISERS TO SAVE TIME BY GETTING EVERY Eurovision organisers to save time by getting every country to award UK ‘nil points’ in advance. The UK has been awarded ‘nil points’ by every European nation for tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, as organisers seek to save time spent asking them for a score on the night. With the UK still everyone’s favourite nation inEurope
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become BAILIFFS COLLECTING BORIS JOHNSON’S £535 CCJ DEBT LEAVE Bailiffs instructed to collect payment of Boris Johnson’s CCJ debt of £535 have been paid in full after being handed a roll of wallpaper. After the courts found in favour of Boris’ creditor and issued a County Court Judgement to the value of £535, bailiffs were instructed to visit the prime minister’s residence to seize goods that would cover the value of the debt, plus their costs. MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU MARXISM REPLACES ORWELLIAN AS DIMWITS’ FAVOURITE TERM TO Linguists have confirmed the commonly held suspicion that turnip-shaped bigots and other Talk Radio employees now prefer to label things that get their spittle flying as ‘Marxist’ instead of ‘Orwellian’ although they still know bugger all about either term. “BOOING THE KNEE ISN’T RACIST” INSIST RACISTS England fans booing players taking the knee in a stand against racism definitely are not racists, according to reports this morning. England football players, and indeed most players from other international teams, have been taking the knee before the start of matches, with sections of the crowd booing the gesture. MARCUS RASHFORD SEIZES THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION Manchester United forward and avowed Marxist Marcus Rashford has announced that he has seized the means of production in Burton-on-Trent where the England team are based for the Euros, and that the communist revolution will begin imminently. JACK GREALISH PERFECTS ‘SCHRODINGER’S CHALLENGE’, WHICH IS Monday 7 June 2021. Jack Grealish perfects ‘Schrödinger’s tackle’, which is both an obvious dive AND blatant foul until hisshirt is observed
‘I CHOOSE TO BOO BECAUSE I’M AGAINST THE MARXIST IDEOLOGY An England fan has today explained that he is choosing to boo at players taking the knee in protest against the Marxist ideology that is being promoted by absolutely no one on the pitch. DAILY MAIL READERS ALREADY CONFIDENT LILIBET IS A TOTAL BITCH Baby Lilibet Diana Mountbatten-Windsor is an evil witch, according to tabloid readers this morning. Harry and Meghan have announced the birth of a baby girl and Daily Mail and Sun readers already hate thelittle cow.
HARRY AND MEGHAN ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DIANA PEOPLE’S Harry and Meghan have announced the birth of their daughter – Diana People’s Princess Up Yours Fuckers Mountbatten Spencer – who will be known as ‘Lady Di’ or ‘Up Yours Fuckers’ depending on who they’re talking to. ‘IT’S JUST NO MAINTENANCE WHATSOEVER’ INSISTS MAN ON HIS A man has been singing the praises today of the newly installed, hassle-free, zero-maintenance artificial lawn in his garden, all whilst crouched on his hands and knees hoovering up bits for the thirdtime this week.
ABSOLUTE BELLEND MAKES SMALL CHILD COMPLETE CRAZY GOLF A twat is forcing his six-year-old son to score his mini-golf round correctly. The sun is out, venues are opening up and crazy golf courses everywhere have massive queues because idiots are making their children play ‘properly’, despite the fact they’ve never held aclub before.
BORIS STRUGGLING WITH SEVEN-DAY ITCH The Prime Minister has been married to Carrie for a whole week and his eye is starting to wander. It’s a common male trait to get excited about the latest shiny gadget, only to become bored with it soonafterwards.
NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH The much-anticipated Friends Reunion has shocked fans by revealing that the entire 10-season run was actually a hallucination inside the drug-addled mind of the comatose coffee shop owner, Gunther. Disappointed Lukashenko can’t understand why hijacking airliner to abduct journalist hasn’t made people stop calling him a dangeroustyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. FEARS GROW OVER FATE OF MISSING SIMPLETON MARK FRANCOIS Fears grow over fate of missing simpleton Mark Francois. Hope is slowly fading for the safe return of Mark Francois, the dull-witted London lad that captured the hearts of a nation with his hilarious impressions of a pompous Tory MP desperately trying to hog TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU DAVID JASON STRIPPED OF OBE IN BACKLASH AGAINST 'ROYALDAVID JASON BIOGRAPHYDAVID JASON BRITISH ACTORDAVID JASON DAUGHTER Disgraced comedy actor David Jason has been stripped of his OBE, following a media campaign against his role in ‘The Royal Bodyguard’. Once the darling of safe, family entertainment, Jason received many plaudits in his early career, especially when that chandelier broke, again when he fell through a gap in a bar, and especially when he uttered the word ‘perfick’. NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH The much-anticipated Friends Reunion has shocked fans by revealing that the entire 10-season run was actually a hallucination inside the drug-addled mind of the comatose coffee shop owner, Gunther. Disappointed Lukashenko can’t understand why hijacking airliner to abduct journalist hasn’t made people stop calling him a dangeroustyrant.
‘BLOODY FOREIGNERS, STAYING OVER THERE AVOIDING OUR JOBS Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin has today criticised the EU for raising a load of workshy fops unwilling to come over here and pull pints for decent British patriots. As the flag-shagging pro-Brexit boss of the pub chain bemoaned a lack of staff from the EU to help run his pubs, he fell short of blaming Brexit, and instead chose to highlight the JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to unify its candidates in the upcoming local elections. ‘Britain is awful, you people are scum’ is the bold slogan envisaged by those on the left of the party who have become CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job. Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness. “I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said. FEARS GROW OVER FATE OF MISSING SIMPLETON MARK FRANCOIS Fears grow over fate of missing simpleton Mark Francois. Hope is slowly fading for the safe return of Mark Francois, the dull-witted London lad that captured the hearts of a nation with his hilarious impressions of a pompous Tory MP desperately trying to hog TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones proven right as DNA test reveals 200,000 year-old black ancestors. Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. The Welsh sun absorbent said the revelation had left him determined to make up forlost
I NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO LEAVE THE EU Nigel Farage has leapt to his own defence by explaining that a career spent telling people the nation would be better off outside the EU in no way implies that leaving the EU DAVID JASON STRIPPED OF OBE IN BACKLASH AGAINST 'ROYALDAVID JASON BIOGRAPHYDAVID JASON BRITISH ACTORDAVID JASON DAUGHTER Disgraced comedy actor David Jason has been stripped of his OBE, following a media campaign against his role in ‘The Royal Bodyguard’. Once the darling of safe, family entertainment, Jason received many plaudits in his early career, especially when that chandelier broke, again when he fell through a gap in a bar, and especially when he uttered the word ‘perfick’. MARXISM REPLACES ORWELLIAN AS DIMWITS’ FAVOURITE TERM TO Linguists have confirmed the commonly held suspicion that turnip-shaped bigots and other Talk Radio employees now prefer to label things that get their spittle flying as ‘Marxist’ instead of ‘Orwellian’ although they still know bugger all about either term. “BOOING THE KNEE ISN’T RACIST” INSIST RACISTS England fans booing players taking the knee in a stand against racism definitely are not racists, according to reports this morning. England football players, and indeed most players from other international teams, have been taking the knee before the start of matches, with sections of the crowd booing the gesture. MARCUS RASHFORD SEIZES THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION Manchester United forward and avowed Marxist Marcus Rashford has announced that he has seized the means of production in Burton-on-Trent where the England team are based for the Euros, and that the communist revolution will begin imminently. JACK GREALISH PERFECTS ‘SCHRODINGER’S CHALLENGE’, WHICH IS England midfielder Jack Grealish has been hailed by theoretical scientists for introducing football fans to quantum mechanics through the medium of being tackled. ‘I CHOOSE TO BOO BECAUSE I’M AGAINST THE MARXIST IDEOLOGY An England fan has today explained that he is choosing to boo at players taking the knee in protest against the Marxist ideology that is being promoted by absolutely no one on the pitch. DAILY MAIL READERS ALREADY CONFIDENT LILIBET IS A TOTAL BITCH Baby Lilibet Diana Mountbatten-Windsor is an evil witch, according to tabloid readers this morning. Harry and Meghan have announced the birth of a baby girl and Daily Mail and Sun readers already hate thelittle cow.
‘IT’S JUST NO MAINTENANCE WHATSOEVER’ INSISTS MAN ON HIS A man has been singing the praises today of the newly installed, hassle-free, zero-maintenance artificial lawn in his garden, all whilst crouched on his hands and knees hoovering up bits for the thirdtime this week.
HARRY AND MEGHAN ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DIANA PEOPLE’S Harry and Meghan have announced the birth of their daughter – Diana People’s Princess Up Yours Fuckers Mountbatten Spencer – who will be known as ‘Lady Di’ or ‘Up Yours Fuckers’ depending on who they’re talking to.“WHAT BOMBERS?”
Tuesday 22 September 2020 by Neil Tollfree. “What bombers?”. – The brave WWII ‘anti-Blitzers’ who stood up to Government bombing hoax. During 1940 and 1941, huge numbers of British people complied with Government blackout orders to protect themselves from the so-called ‘Blitz’. However, there was a plucky group offree-thinkers
BORIS STRUGGLING WITH SEVEN-DAY ITCH The Prime Minister has been married to Carrie for a whole week and his eye is starting to wander. It’s a common male trait to get excited about the latest shiny gadget, only to become bored with it soonafterwards.
NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH Nigel Farage Photo Casebook All of Nigel Farages Photo Casebooks available here More Special reports: Glastonbury fans begin preparing bottles of piss for Kanye West Comedian to retire controversial 'KatieHopkins' character
JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Previous post: Evangelicals who packed churches during a pandemic can f*ck right off, says The Christ Arisen Next post: Millions of Britons back to doing f*ck all today after four-day weekend of FEARS GROW OVER FATE OF MISSING SIMPLETON MARK FRANCOIS Hope is slowly fading for the safe return of Mark Francois, the dull-witted London lad that captured the hearts of a nation with his hilarious impressions of a pompous Tory MP desperately trying to hog the limelight, who has not been seen since early November. DISAPPOINTMENT AS FELLATIO CAFÉ ESPRESSO FOUND NOT TO BE There has been disappointment after the announcement that a proposed fellatio café in Paddington, London will not be serving organic single-origin espresso, but a blended variety. TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. FANS OF MURDERING WELSHMEN WITH A BOW AND ARROW CONCERNED Proposed changes to the law could make shooting a Welshman with a bow and arrow from within the city walls of Chester illegal, concerned Englishmen have learned today. DAVID JASON STRIPPED OF OBE IN BACKLASH AGAINST 'ROYALDAVID JASON BIOGRAPHYDAVID JASON BRITISH ACTORDAVID JASON DAUGHTER Disgraced comedy actor David Jason has been stripped of his OBE, following a media campaign against his role in ‘The Royal Bodyguard’. Once the darling of safe, family entertainment, Jason received many plaudits in his early career, especially when that chandelier broke, again when he fell through a gap in a bar, and especially when he uttered the word ‘perfick’. NEWSTHUMP – UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIREUKPOLITICSSPORTSENTERTAINMENTWORLDHEALTH Nigel Farage Photo Casebook All of Nigel Farages Photo Casebooks available here More Special reports: Glastonbury fans begin preparing bottles of piss for Kanye West Comedian to retire controversial 'KatieHopkins' character
JOE BIDEN STERNLY WARNS ISRAEL THAT IF THEY DON’T STOP As international condemnation of Israel’s onslaught on Gaza increases, Joe Biden has told Israel’s Netanyahu that if the attacks on civilian targets don’t stop, then the US will not hesitate to send him attack helicopters with the cheap default trim and no heatedpilot seats.
‘BRITAIN IS AWFUL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM’ As part of the left-wing of the Labour party’s continuing attempts to re-establish itself as a viable political concern, it has issued a new slogan designed to CAPTAIN OF THE ‘EVER GIVEN’ KICKING HIMSELF AFTER The container ship ‘Ever Given’ has finally been freed today, after the Captain of the vessel realised it had a reverse gear. The 200,000-tonne ship, which has been wedged across the Suez canal like a particularly unflushable turd since last Tuesday, was freed todayafter the
MATT HANCOCK'S PPE DEGREE FROM OXFORD REVEALED TO BE F Previous post: Evangelicals who packed churches during a pandemic can f*ck right off, says The Christ Arisen Next post: Millions of Britons back to doing f*ck all today after four-day weekend of FEARS GROW OVER FATE OF MISSING SIMPLETON MARK FRANCOIS Hope is slowly fading for the safe return of Mark Francois, the dull-witted London lad that captured the hearts of a nation with his hilarious impressions of a pompous Tory MP desperately trying to hog the limelight, who has not been seen since early November. DISAPPOINTMENT AS FELLATIO CAFÉ ESPRESSO FOUND NOT TO BE There has been disappointment after the announcement that a proposed fellatio café in Paddington, London will not be serving organic single-origin espresso, but a blended variety. TOM JONES PROVEN RIGHT AS DNA TEST REVEALS 200,000 YEAR Tom Jones has expressed relief at being proven right in his belief he has black ancestry, after a DNA test confirmed a link with relatives based in Africa over 200,000 years ago. FANS OF MURDERING WELSHMEN WITH A BOW AND ARROW CONCERNED Proposed changes to the law could make shooting a Welshman with a bow and arrow from within the city walls of Chester illegal, concerned Englishmen have learned today. DAVID JASON STRIPPED OF OBE IN BACKLASH AGAINST 'ROYALDAVID JASON BIOGRAPHYDAVID JASON BRITISH ACTORDAVID JASON DAUGHTER Disgraced comedy actor David Jason has been stripped of his OBE, following a media campaign against his role in ‘The Royal Bodyguard’. Once the darling of safe, family entertainment, Jason received many plaudits in his early career, especially when that chandelier broke, again when he fell through a gap in a bar, and especially when he uttered the word ‘perfick’. SIGHT OF NEW £200M ROYAL YACHT WILL CHEER UP ALL THE The glorious sight of a new Royal Yacht named after Prince Philip is to bring joy to those in the fishing industry who have been left ruined by Brexit, according to reports today. NIGEL FARAGE SPENDING 77TH ANNIVERSARY OF D-DAY Today, British citizens across the country will be remembering the D-Day landings on their 77th anniversary, including Nigel Farage who spoke at a German rally for far-right political party AfD just a fewshort years ago.
BBQ RUINED AS NEIGHBOUR TAKES THUNDEROUS SHIT WITH WINDOW OPEN A barbecue has been ruined in spectacular fashion. Saturday 5 June 2021 by Lucas Wilde. BBQ ruined as neighbour takes thunderous shitwith window open
MOSQUITO WILL BE BACK IN 12 WEEKS FOR A SECOND SHOT People recently bitten by a mosquito have been told they expect a second visit in 12 weeks to maximise the irritation and itching. Those lucky enough to be in this year’s first wave of mosquito bites include those who live near water, and those living surrounded by trees, but experts say the rest of the population should find themselves with their first bite in the next few weeks. GOVERNMENT TO SEEK ADVICE FROM IAN BROWN BEFORE LOCKDOWN Prime Minister Boris fucking Johnson is reportedly considering an extension to current lockdown restrictions, but is waiting for advice from Ian Brown before making a final decision. HOLIDAY OPTIONS NARROW TO SWANSEA OR FALKLANDS As the UK puts more countries on its Red and Amber lists, only damp, bleak places remain as possible holiday destinations. After over a year stuck at home, Simon Williams is desperately searching for a nice summer holiday for his family. ROGER WATERS WAS THE MOST TALENTED, HANDSOME AND BEST IN Just because I haven’t been a member of the band since 1985 and spent the last thirty-five years publicly slagging him off, Dave Gilmour has petulantly banned me from posting to the Pink Floyd Facebook page, so I’m posting this statement to clear up a fewmisconceptions.
LUXURY LONDON ‘SKY POOL’ ALREADY MOSTLY URINE The exclusive ‘sky pool’ in South London is now approximately seventy per cent urine after those using it failed to combat the instinctive urge to piss on BORIS STRUGGLING WITH SEVEN-DAY ITCH The Prime Minister has been married to Carrie for a whole week and his eye is starting to wander. It’s a common male trait to get excited about the latest shiny gadget, only to become bored with it soonafterwards.
MAN STILL NOT RIPPED DESPITE INVESTING HEAVILY IN COPY OF A man is baffled as to why he doesn’t have abs of steel over a week after purchasing a copy of Men’s Health magazine. Simon Williams is, in the words of his wife Karen, “a lazy, biscuit-munching loser,” who is “putting on weight so rapidly it’s like being married to a horrifying time-lapse video”. UK SPOOF NEWS AND SATIRE* Contact
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* Lib Dems accused of unfair tactics following revelations they don’t treat their MPs like shit * Anti-Vaxxers hurriedly announce plans to prevent eradication ofMalaria
* Politician who became popular by making everyone laugh at him annoyed now everyone is laughing at him * House of Commons schedules day of totally mad shit * Irony-free Boris Johnson seeks second vote on snap election in case 'will of the people in parliament' has changed since Thursday LIB DEMS ACCUSED OF UNFAIR TACTICS FOLLOWING REVELATIONS THEY DON’T TREAT THEIR MPS LIKE SHIT Both Labour and the Conservatives have railed against the Liberal Democrats in the wake of several high profile defections and some explosive revelations in the Sunday papers that the centrist party did not viciously attack its own members at the slightest hint of dissent. ANTI-VAXXERS HURRIEDLY ANNOUNCE PLANS TO PREVENT ERADICATION OFMALARIA
After a major new report set out steps to defeat Malaria in a generation, anti-vaccination groups have hurriedly announced plans to mitigate the report’s recommendations and prevent the eradication ofthe deadly disease.
POLITICIAN WHO BECAME POPULAR BY MAKING EVERYONE LAUGH AT HIM ANNOYED NOW EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AT HIM A politician who created a hilarious, bumbling, buffoon-like idiot character in order to gain popularity is now getting really annoyed that everyone is laughing at him. HOUSE OF COMMONS SCHEDULES DAY OF TOTALLY MAD SHIT The House of Commons has scheduled a programme of totally mad shit forthe day ahead.
IRONY-FREE BORIS JOHNSON SEEKS SECOND VOTE ON SNAP ELECTION IN CASE ‘WILL OF THE PEOPLE IN PARLIAMENT’ HAS CHANGED SINCE THURSDAY Boris Johnson has announced a second vote on his plan to hold a snap election on 15th October, defending the decision to hold another vote by saying it’s perfectly possible for people to change their minds on a major decision in a four-day period. * To prevent No Deal you’ll have to let Jeremy f*ck up everything else, insists Labour * Amber Rudd facing DWP sanctions because ‘My boss is insane and will start a civil war’ considered insufficient reason to quit * Triumphant Johnson government celebrates a whole 8 hours without a humiliating disaster * First ‘Brexit dividend’ arrives as Wetherspoons promises to knock 20p off each pint of warm piss * Man who built his career around lies and betrayal shocked to find out people aren’t loyal * Empty shampoo bottle forced through humiliation of watchingreplacement in use
* That can be arranged, nation tells Boris * Boris Johnson works hard to get a new EU deal by going to Scotlandto lie to farmers
ALSO IN THE NEWS
* Woman ties bell to house spider to prevent it from sneaking up on her * Duchess of Cambridge FUMING as Prince George sent home from school for inappropriatehaircut
SPECIAL REPORTS
NIGEL FARAGE PHOTO CASEBOOK All of Nigel Farages Photo Casebooks available here More Special reports: Glastonbury fans begin preparing bottles of piss for Kanye West Comedian to retire controversial ‘Katie Hopkins’ characterMORE FROM NEWSTHUMP
SPORT
MICHAEL OWEN CALLS NEWCASTLE UTD MOVE A ‘NIGHTMARE’ AS TREATMENT ROOM WAS NOWHERE NEAR AS LUXURIOUS AS PROMISED Michael Owen’s new book reveals how his move to Newcastle United turned into a nightmare after he discovered the treatment room lacked all the luxuries to which he had become accustomed. * Liverpool to prorogue Premier League until May 2020 * Nation wondering if Ben Stokes fancies taking a swing at BrexitPOLITICS
LIB DEMS ACCUSED OF UNFAIR TACTICS FOLLOWING REVELATIONS THEY DON’T TREAT THEIR MPS LIKE SHIT Both Labour and the Conservatives have railed against the Liberal Democrats in the wake of several high profile defections and some explosive revelations in the Sunday papers that the centrist party did not viciously attack its own members at the slightest hint of dissent. * Politician who became popular by making everyone laugh at him annoyed now everyone is laughing at him * House of Commons schedules day of totally mad shitENTERTAINMENT
MAN LOOKING TO WATCH PARLIAMENTARY DEBATE ACCIDENTALLY TUNES INTO “IT’S A KNOCKOUT”, DOESN’T NOTICE A TV viewer has made a completely understandable error. * Brexiters confused as to why BBC2’s Rise Of The Nazis somehowfeels aimed at them
* Plumber/gardener/electrician based pornography ‘practicallyextinct’
WORLD
BORIS JOHNSON APPLIES FOR IRISH PASSPORT The Irish embassy in London has confirmed reports that it has received a passport application from the British Prime Minister today. * Donald Trump announces huge border wall with Canada to prevent Melania pouncing on Justin Trudeau * Europeans keen to boycott Brazilian products as soon as they canthink of any
TECHNOLOGY
GOVERNMENT’S ‘GET READY FOR BREXIT’ WEBSITE JUST A LINK TO THEIRISH EMBASSY
The government’s key website designed to help Britons prepare for life outside the EU, has suffered some technical glitches as most pages contained either meaningless slogans or a redirect towards the section of the Irish embassy’s website detailing how to apply forcitizenship.
* New fitness tracker gives most convincing impression yet that it’s helping you be healthy * Men’s deodorant cans need to be ‘unlocked’ because they’re simpletons who like playing with toys, explain manufacturersSCIENCE
MEDIA DECLARE AMAZON FIRES ‘IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR FRONT PAGE’ AFTER DISCOVERY OF OLD CATHEDRAL IN THE RAIN FOREST The world’s media has agreed that the Amazon forest fires are worthy of the front page after learning that an old cathedral was threatened along with 20% of the planet’s oxygen making ability. * Prevent seagulls from stealing chips by smearing yourself in excrement, say scientists * Stare at seagulls to defeat them at chess, say scientistsEDUCATION
DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE FUMING AS PRINCE GEORGE SENT HOME FROM SCHOOL FOR INAPPROPRIATE HAIRCUT The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be extremely upset after her son was sent home from school for a contravention of the dress code. * Eton applications at all-time low after public see the sort ofadults it produces
* Teachers celebrate as new £30k salary almost brings them up to the hourly minimum wageBUSINESS
FIRST ‘BREXIT DIVIDEND’ ARRIVES AS WETHERSPOONS PROMISES TO KNOCK 20P OFF EACH PINT OF WARM PISS The nation is beginning to reap the many benefits of Brexit before Britain has even left the EU, it has emerged, after a chain of pubs announced they would reduce the price of a murky glass of warm piss byup to 20p.
* Lib Dem campaigners buying sandals and chunky socks in anticipation of snap election * Boris Johnson applies for Irish passport*
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