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FERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I DON’T LIKE PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS ANY MORE D&D has a serious sweet spot issue, where playing PCs of around 3rd-8th level are the most satisfying, and after that they either die or they run into D&D’s other issue. 3) D&D Is A Ramp To Godhood. It’s not like other systems (and videogames!) don’t do this too, but D&D is so based on “You fight, you get stronger” that you WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
WHY THE LAST OF US 2 FAILED, OR: HOW THEME MATTERS Why The Last Of Us 2 Failed, Or: How Theme Matters. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 2.412% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) (Spoilers to come, but not yet.) It’s fucking weird to say “The Last Of Us 2 was a failure” when it’s sold more copies ofanything
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
IT’S NOT MY JOB TO FIX YOUR INSECURITY. You gotta own your own insecurities for polyamory to work. Because there’s a subtle difference between “That made me feel insecure” and “You made me feel insecure.” “You made me feel insecure” implies that: a) I did something wrong, and; b) If I just fine-tuned my behavior properly, you wouldn’t feel insecure. WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Why Fallout 76 Is A Terrible, Terrible Betrayal Of Its Past (And Also Okay) (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 4.824% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) So the reviews of Fallout 76 are in, and they’re confirming it’s the game I dreaded seeing: almost nostory, no
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all WHY VAMPYR IS THE WORST GAME I’VE EVER FINISHED. Lots of games don’t do it for me. Indifference is a sane reaction. But Vampyr made big promises – you’re a British vampire during the influenza epidemic in World War I! Now, that’s a great setup. And as a bloodthirsty vampire, you’ll get to know your victims intimately – each person in this disease-stricken London is a fully-fledgedFERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I DON’T LIKE PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS ANY MORE D&D has a serious sweet spot issue, where playing PCs of around 3rd-8th level are the most satisfying, and after that they either die or they run into D&D’s other issue. 3) D&D Is A Ramp To Godhood. It’s not like other systems (and videogames!) don’t do this too, but D&D is so based on “You fight, you get stronger” that you WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
WHY THE LAST OF US 2 FAILED, OR: HOW THEME MATTERS Why The Last Of Us 2 Failed, Or: How Theme Matters. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 2.412% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) (Spoilers to come, but not yet.) It’s fucking weird to say “The Last Of Us 2 was a failure” when it’s sold more copies ofanything
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
IT’S NOT MY JOB TO FIX YOUR INSECURITY. You gotta own your own insecurities for polyamory to work. Because there’s a subtle difference between “That made me feel insecure” and “You made me feel insecure.” “You made me feel insecure” implies that: a) I did something wrong, and; b) If I just fine-tuned my behavior properly, you wouldn’t feel insecure. WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Why Fallout 76 Is A Terrible, Terrible Betrayal Of Its Past (And Also Okay) (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 4.824% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) So the reviews of Fallout 76 are in, and they’re confirming it’s the game I dreaded seeing: almost nostory, no
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all WHY VAMPYR IS THE WORST GAME I’VE EVER FINISHED. Lots of games don’t do it for me. Indifference is a sane reaction. But Vampyr made big promises – you’re a British vampire during the influenza epidemic in World War I! Now, that’s a great setup. And as a bloodthirsty vampire, you’ll get to know your victims intimately – each person in this disease-stricken London is a fully-fledged WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
ARCHIVES | FERRETT STEINMETZ Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT: A MEMOIR If you’re not familiar with “Paradise By The Dashboard Light,” it is a rock operetta where a boy tries to convince a girl to have sex with him in his car, and the girl tries to deny him. It is a three-part, eight-minute song with a surprisingly downer ending; the boy promises to “love her ’til the end of time,” she agrees todo the
LEAVING THE PANDEMIC BEHIND IS LIKE GIVING UP SOYLENT Leaving The Pandemic Behind Is Like Giving Up Soylent. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) It started as a wacky experiment that my wife and I did – “Let’s drink nothing but nutritional sludge for a week! IT’S NOT BECAUSE HE HAS A BIGGER DICK. It’s Not Because He Has A Bigger Dick. | Ferrett Steinmetz. It’s Not Because He Has A Bigger Dick. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) So my essay All Women and Never Men went viral on Fet for the third time in a decade YOU DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH THEM: ONE OF THE HARDEST I agree with the gist of your post – I think that being able to flex with your relationships without letting disappointment crush you is a great way to demonstrate resilience and a I LOVE TO BE TIED UP. I DON’T THINK I LIKE ROPE. Like I said, for me, rope is a vacation from my usual fears of social anxiety, so pushing deeper into a group of folks to see who maybe agrees with me is a little nerve-wracking, and so I don’t do it. Last night, my sweetie tied me up tight. And when I was in their rainbow-colored rope, with them whispering how gorgeous I looked nakedand
HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. ALL WOMEN AND NEVER MEN: A RANT ON A POLYAMORY I DISLIKE Besides, we all know that women’s relationships aren’t nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it’s fun to indulge you – it’s like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute. The reason I hate it is because that’s a form of polyamory, but more often than not it’s one that’s selfish, misogynistic, and "WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK So you wake up in the morning with a hangover, and a tattoo of Spongebob Squarepants farting on you’re not sure who he’s farting on, actually. The tattoo is poorly enough done that you’re only certain it’s Spongebob because it says “SPANGBOB” in waveringletters above it.
FERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I DON’T LIKE PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS ANY MORE D&D has a serious sweet spot issue, where playing PCs of around 3rd-8th level are the most satisfying, and after that they either die or they run into D&D’s other issue. 3) D&D Is A Ramp To Godhood. It’s not like other systems (and videogames!) don’t do this too, but D&D is so based on “You fight, you get stronger” that you WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
WHY THE LAST OF US 2 FAILED, OR: HOW THEME MATTERS Why The Last Of Us 2 Failed, Or: How Theme Matters. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 2.412% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) (Spoilers to come, but not yet.) It’s fucking weird to say “The Last Of Us 2 was a failure” when it’s sold more copies ofanything
WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Why Fallout 76 Is A Terrible, Terrible Betrayal Of Its Past (And Also Okay) (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 4.824% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) So the reviews of Fallout 76 are in, and they’re confirming it’s the game I dreaded seeing: almost nostory, no
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. ALL WOMEN AND NEVER MEN: A RANT ON A POLYAMORY I DISLIKE Besides, we all know that women’s relationships aren’t nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it’s fun to indulge you – it’s like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute. The reason I hate it is because that’s a form of polyamory, but more often than not it’s one that’s selfish, misogynistic, andFERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I DON’T LIKE PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS ANY MORE D&D has a serious sweet spot issue, where playing PCs of around 3rd-8th level are the most satisfying, and after that they either die or they run into D&D’s other issue. 3) D&D Is A Ramp To Godhood. It’s not like other systems (and videogames!) don’t do this too, but D&D is so based on “You fight, you get stronger” that you WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
WHY THE LAST OF US 2 FAILED, OR: HOW THEME MATTERS Why The Last Of Us 2 Failed, Or: How Theme Matters. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 2.412% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) (Spoilers to come, but not yet.) It’s fucking weird to say “The Last Of Us 2 was a failure” when it’s sold more copies ofanything
WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Why Fallout 76 Is A Terrible, Terrible Betrayal Of Its Past (And Also Okay) (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 4.824% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) So the reviews of Fallout 76 are in, and they’re confirming it’s the game I dreaded seeing: almost nostory, no
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. ALL WOMEN AND NEVER MEN: A RANT ON A POLYAMORY I DISLIKE Besides, we all know that women’s relationships aren’t nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it’s fun to indulge you – it’s like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute. The reason I hate it is because that’s a form of polyamory, but more often than not it’s one that’s selfish, misogynistic, andUPDATE ON MY MOTHER
My brain being the asshole that it is, however, I’ve been pushing back all my Seasonal Affective Depression to go “Keep it together for Mom, keep it together for Mom,” and now that she’s (reasonably) okay my brain went “SHE’S OKAY! SLAM HIM!”, and this morning is a mass of detached anxiety tumbling over my doorstep.So it goes.
PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT: A MEMOIR. If you’re not familiar with “Paradise By The Dashboard Light,” it is a rock operetta where a boy tries to convince a girl to have sex with him in his car, and the girl tries to deny him. It is a three-part, eight-minute song with a surprisingly downer ending; the boy promises to “love her ’til the end of time,” she agrees todo the
LEAVING THE PANDEMIC BEHIND IS LIKE GIVING UP SOYLENT Leaving The Pandemic Behind Is Like Giving Up Soylent. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) It started as a wacky experiment that my wife and I did – “Let’s drink nothing but nutritional sludge for a week! WHY IT’S HARD TO EXPECT CLEAR COMMUNICATION IN BEGINNING “Relationships are all about communication,” the saying goes – as if you just talk through things enough, you’ll be fine. But there is a hidden “gotcha” in that: clear communication requires clear concepts.Communicating something you don’t actually understand all that well leads to garbled discussions – like when you’re trying to get a bartender to make your favorite drink YOU’RE NOT DEMANDING THINGS OF THE PERSON, YOU’RE I said this yesterday: “Remember: There’s a ton of ways to do polyamory. It’s not wrong to demand what you want out of a relationships; it is wrong to demand that any relationships that don’t do that are somehow flawed.” IT’S NOT BECAUSE HE HAS A BIGGER DICK. It’s Not Because He Has A Bigger Dick. | Ferrett Steinmetz. It’s Not Because He Has A Bigger Dick. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) So my essay All Women and Never Men went viral on Fet for the third time in a decade RESPECT FOR THE ONES WHO COME AFTER YOU: A COOL POLYAMORY Respect For The Ones Who Come After You: A Cool Polyamory Tip. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) Hardly anyone who dates me has problems with my wife. I’d like to say that’s because my wife is eminently sweet and reasonable HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. WHY VAMPYR IS THE WORST GAME I’VE EVER FINISHED. Lots of games don’t do it for me. Indifference is a sane reaction. But Vampyr made big promises – you’re a British vampire during the influenza epidemic in World War I! Now, that’s a great setup. And as a bloodthirsty vampire, you’ll get to know your victims intimately – each person in this disease-stricken London is a fully-fledged "WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK So you wake up in the morning with a hangover, and a tattoo of Spongebob Squarepants farting on you’re not sure who he’s farting on, actually. The tattoo is poorly enough done that you’re only certain it’s Spongebob because it says “SPANGBOB” in waveringletters above it.
FERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all IT’S NOT MY JOB TO FIX YOUR INSECURITY. You gotta own your own insecurities for polyamory to work. Because there’s a subtle difference between “That made me feel insecure” and “You made me feel insecure.” “You made me feel insecure” implies that: a) I did something wrong, and; b) If I just fine-tuned my behavior properly, you wouldn’t feel insecure. WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Likewise, Fallout 76 is the final step in a looooong series of subtle retoolings to the Fallout series that have, quietly, removed all the portions that I considered to be essential for a Fallout game. The RPG story-based mechanics were what defined a Fallout for me, and they’ve been reduced to almost a vestigial portion of the game. HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. ALL WOMEN AND NEVER MEN: A RANT ON A POLYAMORY I DISLIKE Besides, we all know that women’s relationships aren’t nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it’s fun to indulge you – it’s like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute. The reason I hate it is because that’s a form of polyamory, but more often than not it’s one that’s selfish, misogynistic, and "WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK So you wake up in the morning with a hangover, and a tattoo of Spongebob Squarepants farting on you’re not sure who he’s farting on, actually. The tattoo is poorly enough done that you’re only certain it’s Spongebob because it says “SPANGBOB” in waveringletters above it.
FERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all IT’S NOT MY JOB TO FIX YOUR INSECURITY. You gotta own your own insecurities for polyamory to work. Because there’s a subtle difference between “That made me feel insecure” and “You made me feel insecure.” “You made me feel insecure” implies that: a) I did something wrong, and; b) If I just fine-tuned my behavior properly, you wouldn’t feel insecure. WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Likewise, Fallout 76 is the final step in a looooong series of subtle retoolings to the Fallout series that have, quietly, removed all the portions that I considered to be essential for a Fallout game. The RPG story-based mechanics were what defined a Fallout for me, and they’ve been reduced to almost a vestigial portion of the game. HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. ALL WOMEN AND NEVER MEN: A RANT ON A POLYAMORY I DISLIKE Besides, we all know that women’s relationships aren’t nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it’s fun to indulge you – it’s like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute. The reason I hate it is because that’s a form of polyamory, but more often than not it’s one that’s selfish, misogynistic, and "WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK So you wake up in the morning with a hangover, and a tattoo of Spongebob Squarepants farting on you’re not sure who he’s farting on, actually. The tattoo is poorly enough done that you’re only certain it’s Spongebob because it says “SPANGBOB” in waveringletters above it.
UPDATE ON MY MOTHER
So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treat MY BEST POLYAMORY AND RELATIONSHIP WRITINGS My Best Polyamory And Relationship Writings. I’ve written hundreds of essays on polyamory; what follows is a list of my writings that people reference the most often – I think if you read ’em all, you’ll get a pretty good idea of how I think a healthy polyamorous relationship should be run. LEAVING THE PANDEMIC BEHIND IS LIKE GIVING UP SOYLENT Leaving The Pandemic Behind Is Like Giving Up Soylent. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) It started as a wacky experiment that my wife and I did – “Let’s drink nothing but nutritional sludge for a week! PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT: A MEMOIR. If you’re not familiar with “Paradise By The Dashboard Light,” it is a rock operetta where a boy tries to convince a girl to have sex with him in his car, and the girl tries to deny him. It is a three-part, eight-minute song with a surprisingly downer ending; the boy promises to “love her ’til the end of time,” she agrees todo the
WHY I DON’T LIKE PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS ANY MORE D&D has a serious sweet spot issue, where playing PCs of around 3rd-8th level are the most satisfying, and after that they either die or they run into D&D’s other issue. 3) D&D Is A Ramp To Godhood. It’s not like other systems (and videogames!) don’t do this too, but D&D is so based on “You fight, you get stronger” that you WHY THE LAST OF US 2 FAILED, OR: HOW THEME MATTERS Why The Last Of Us 2 Failed, Or: How Theme Matters. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 2.412% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) (Spoilers to come, but not yet.) It’s fucking weird to say “The Last Of Us 2 was a failure” when it’s sold more copies ofanything
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH THEM: ONE OF THE HARDEST I agree with the gist of your post – I think that being able to flex with your relationships without letting disappointment crush you is a great way to demonstrate resilience and a THE DECISIONS WE DON’T REALIZE WE’RE MAKING: ON CHUGGA One of my favorite Internet distractions is “Things we didn’t realize we had firm opinions on, but we actually do.” Today, that distraction is “the number of chuggas.” WHY VAMPYR IS THE WORST GAME I’VE EVER FINISHED. Lots of games don’t do it for me. Indifference is a sane reaction. But Vampyr made big promises – you’re a British vampire during the influenza epidemic in World War I! Now, that’s a great setup. And as a bloodthirsty vampire, you’ll get to know your victims intimately – each person in this disease-stricken London is a fully-fledged YOU DON'T WANT JUST ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. YOU ALSO WANT Here’s a fun fact that will teach you something valuable about consent: I only want to eat Mexican food once a year or so. I’m not opposed to Mexican – but if you ask me what I want to eat, I’ll suggest burgers, or Thai food, or Chinese, or sushi, or one of aFERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all IT’S NOT MY JOB TO FIX YOUR INSECURITY. You gotta own your own insecurities for polyamory to work. Because there’s a subtle difference between “That made me feel insecure” and “You made me feel insecure.” “You made me feel insecure” implies that: a) I did something wrong, and; b) If I just fine-tuned my behavior properly, you wouldn’t feel insecure. WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Likewise, Fallout 76 is the final step in a looooong series of subtle retoolings to the Fallout series that have, quietly, removed all the portions that I considered to be essential for a Fallout game. The RPG story-based mechanics were what defined a Fallout for me, and they’ve been reduced to almost a vestigial portion of the game. HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. ALL WOMEN AND NEVER MEN: A RANT ON A POLYAMORY I DISLIKE Besides, we all know that women’s relationships aren’t nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it’s fun to indulge you – it’s like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute. The reason I hate it is because that’s a form of polyamory, but more often than not it’s one that’s selfish, misogynistic, and "WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK So you wake up in the morning with a hangover, and a tattoo of Spongebob Squarepants farting on you’re not sure who he’s farting on, actually. The tattoo is poorly enough done that you’re only certain it’s Spongebob because it says “SPANGBOB” in waveringletters above it.
FERRETT STEINMETZ
Ferrett Steinmetz | The home page of author Ferrett Steinmetz. Update On My Mother. So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treatments (thankfully light ones, but still poison) for eight months now, and we WHY I HATE “TRUE POLY” Almost to a person, they feel qualified sorting folks’ relationships into the True Poly Bucket (TM) because they live the True Poly. You’ll rarely hear “Well, my partners are fucked nine ways to Sunday, but those people are True Poly.”. Look. I’ll go defining something as “Good Polyamory” or perhaps, more properly,“Satisfying
WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY Well, for me, kitchen table polyamory is a lot like democracy in Iraq: it’s a great idea if everyone just sorta settles on it, but a terrible idea if you have to invade and force people to do it. Full disclosure: I try to do kitchen table polyamory for the very real sense that eventually anyone dating me is gonna meet my wife, andyou’re
THE MYTH OF "NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WITHOUT YOUR There’s a common sentiment that goes, “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” – generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said. The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’sassholic
YOU CAN WALK AND STILL NEED A WHEELCHAIR That wheelchair is their insurance against the Step Lottery. Because they can walk now, but at some point during the day their body is all but guaranteed to give out on them and it’s a hell of a lot easier to bring the wheelchair when you don’t need it than it is to be wheelchair-less when you do need it. They’re not fooling you at all IT’S NOT MY JOB TO FIX YOUR INSECURITY. You gotta own your own insecurities for polyamory to work. Because there’s a subtle difference between “That made me feel insecure” and “You made me feel insecure.” “You made me feel insecure” implies that: a) I did something wrong, and; b) If I just fine-tuned my behavior properly, you wouldn’t feel insecure. WHY FALLOUT 76 IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE BETRAYAL OF ITS Likewise, Fallout 76 is the final step in a looooong series of subtle retoolings to the Fallout series that have, quietly, removed all the portions that I considered to be essential for a Fallout game. The RPG story-based mechanics were what defined a Fallout for me, and they’ve been reduced to almost a vestigial portion of the game. HOW TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE POLY RELATIONSHIP It’s a good idea regardless. Tip #4: Have Goals. LDRs are lonely, but it can be better if you have plans. Always try to have the next visit-date planned as soon as you can, so you have something to look forward to (even if that visit date is “Christmas, 2012”). If the goal is to move in together, then try to set a date for that. ALL WOMEN AND NEVER MEN: A RANT ON A POLYAMORY I DISLIKE Besides, we all know that women’s relationships aren’t nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it’s fun to indulge you – it’s like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute. The reason I hate it is because that’s a form of polyamory, but more often than not it’s one that’s selfish, misogynistic, and "WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK So you wake up in the morning with a hangover, and a tattoo of Spongebob Squarepants farting on you’re not sure who he’s farting on, actually. The tattoo is poorly enough done that you’re only certain it’s Spongebob because it says “SPANGBOB” in waveringletters above it.
UPDATE ON MY MOTHER
So in addition to my usual SAD, I’ve been staying with my Mom while she’s been getting a biopsy and waiting for news on progress on her multiple myeloma. She’s been in chemo treat MY BEST POLYAMORY AND RELATIONSHIP WRITINGS My Best Polyamory And Relationship Writings. I’ve written hundreds of essays on polyamory; what follows is a list of my writings that people reference the most often – I think if you read ’em all, you’ll get a pretty good idea of how I think a healthy polyamorous relationship should be run. LEAVING THE PANDEMIC BEHIND IS LIKE GIVING UP SOYLENT Leaving The Pandemic Behind Is Like Giving Up Soylent. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 0.603% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) It started as a wacky experiment that my wife and I did – “Let’s drink nothing but nutritional sludge for a week! PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT: A MEMOIR. If you’re not familiar with “Paradise By The Dashboard Light,” it is a rock operetta where a boy tries to convince a girl to have sex with him in his car, and the girl tries to deny him. It is a three-part, eight-minute song with a surprisingly downer ending; the boy promises to “love her ’til the end of time,” she agrees todo the
WHY I DON’T LIKE PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS ANY MORE D&D has a serious sweet spot issue, where playing PCs of around 3rd-8th level are the most satisfying, and after that they either die or they run into D&D’s other issue. 3) D&D Is A Ramp To Godhood. It’s not like other systems (and videogames!) don’t do this too, but D&D is so based on “You fight, you get stronger” that you WHY THE LAST OF US 2 FAILED, OR: HOW THEME MATTERS Why The Last Of Us 2 Failed, Or: How Theme Matters. (NOTE: Based on time elapsed since the posting of this entry, the BS-o-meter calculates this is 2.412% likely to be something that Ferrett now regrets.) (Spoilers to come, but not yet.) It’s fucking weird to say “The Last Of Us 2 was a failure” when it’s sold more copies ofanything
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH THEM: ONE OF THE HARDEST I agree with the gist of your post – I think that being able to flex with your relationships without letting disappointment crush you is a great way to demonstrate resilience and a THE DECISIONS WE DON’T REALIZE WE’RE MAKING: ON CHUGGA One of my favorite Internet distractions is “Things we didn’t realize we had firm opinions on, but we actually do.” Today, that distraction is “the number of chuggas.” WHY VAMPYR IS THE WORST GAME I’VE EVER FINISHED. Lots of games don’t do it for me. Indifference is a sane reaction. But Vampyr made big promises – you’re a British vampire during the influenza epidemic in World War I! Now, that’s a great setup. And as a bloodthirsty vampire, you’ll get to know your victims intimately – each person in this disease-stricken London is a fully-fledged YOU DON'T WANT JUST ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. YOU ALSO WANT Here’s a fun fact that will teach you something valuable about consent: I only want to eat Mexican food once a year or so. I’m not opposed to Mexican – but if you ask me what I want to eat, I’ll suggest burgers, or Thai food, or Chinese, or sushi, or one of a* HOME
* MY NOVEL THE SOL MAJESTIC! * THE UPLOADED: THE DARK SIDE OF DIGITAL IMMORTALITY. * “FLEX,” MY DEBUT NOVEL. * “THE FLUX” – THE SECOND IN THE ‘MANCER SERIES. * “FIX” – THE FINAL BOOK IN THE ‘MANCER TRILOGY! * GET A SIGNED COPY OF A BOOK BY ME * FERRETT STEINMETZ’S STORIES * FERRETT’S PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS NAILS (A GALLERY) * I TEACH CLASSES! ASK ME HOW!* GET IN TOUCH
LEARNING WHAT YOU DON’T WANT IS EQUALLY VALUABLE: THOUGHTS ON CLARION, AND ALSO, UNRELATEDLY, POLYAMORY, AS WELL AS OTHER THINGS Once a year, in normal years, eighteen lucky students are chosen to go to the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers’ Workshop. There, they spend six weeks on a hellishly intensive writers’ retreat, being subjected to the stresses and triumphs that come with being held to standards of a professional writer. Many of today’s most popular writers have come out of Clarion.+ I did. If you’ve liked the books I’ve written (or feel like preordering my upcoming book to see what I write like),
well, you can thank Clarion for that. Yet Clarion is a big ask for some. It costs thousands of dollars, and requires six weeks of free time to go, let alone travel costs. And the ugly secret to Clarion is that some people go to Clarion, spend their six weeks there, and emerge to realize that they do not want to be a professional writer. This is often treated as a failure state.++ “They spent all that money, and didn’t emerge as a best-selling author? What a waste ofcash and time!”
Whereas I look at that is, “You spent six weeks learning that one of your life-long dreams would actually make you miserable. “That’s _so_ much better than vaguely longing after something for years and feeling guilty that you never made it happen.” Because some people go to Clarion and realize that being a professional writer is actually kinda sucky sometimes. Struggling with a story is hard work; revising that story can be even tougher. And continually weathering harsh feedback – from beta readers, from agents, from editors, and (if you’re lucky) from readers can be soul-destroying. Then you have to worry about your career, and whether you’re on the upswing or the downswing… A lot of people wanna just write and _not_ go pro! And that’s entirely legitimate. There’s this running undercurrent in American culture that implies that if you _can_ make a career out of it you should wreck yourself to monetize every last hobby, but… hey. There’s nothing wrong with writing happy stories in your basement for a couple of friends and online forums. In that sense, it’s pricey, sure, but spending the cash to strip yourself of this nagging urge that “I should be a pro writer” is really pretty damn effective. Because learning what you _don’t_ want is often _more_ valuable than learning what you _do_ want. Learning what you don’t want can free you from all kinds of guilts. And I’m writing this essay because an online friend of mine said something very wise: he said he’d learned from reading my essays on polyamory that poly was _not_ for him. Which is awesome! I read a lot of online writings that seem defensive about not being polyamorous, as though there was something wrong with not being poly.+++ But polyamory is often a right pain in the ass; it’s juggling a lot of emotional concerns, it’s stretching yourself across a line of lovers that you may not have the time orenergy for –
Discovering that you’re not cut out for poly is _valuable information_. It frees you. You can say, “Nope, sorry, not for me” to any potential poly relationships with a confidence and a surety that will serve you well. And that’s why I don’t think all breakups are necessarily bad, either; sometimes, even though it’s painful, you have discovered a way of interacting with your lover that utterly will not work for you. There’s all sorts of discussions about learning what you love, and those are also good. But when it comes to discussing past failures, often there’s this residual sadness fogging up the lens when it really shouldn’t – this idea that “I wasn’t good enough.” Whereas the truth is that it wasn’t that you weren’t _worthy_ of your initial goal, it’s that you got there and discovered that _itmade you sad_.
Learning what makes you sad is equally as valuable as learning what makes you happy. There is great strength in that. Treasure that on the days you find out. * – This is the obligatory disclaimer that you do not need to attend a writers’ workshop of any kind to be a professional writer, and many of the people who teach Clarion as bestselling authors never went to Clarion. ++ – Coming out of Clarion as not-a-writer can, however, be a failure state, especially if you came out of it because overly harsh critiques sapped your love of it. Every Clarion has a different mix of writers and people, and while the success rate is high, there are always group and individual failures in the mix where perhaps a different approach could have ignited, instead of doused, their career. +++ – And yes, there are people who believe that polyamory is the “enlightened” path, selling that old snake oil that monogamy is inferior. They are bullshit artists, and you cansafely ignore them.
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Posted by The Ferretton Apr 23, 2020
in Current Ramblings| 2 comments
GOD, AS A MOST DELIGHTFUL DADDY DOM As of tomorrow, it’ll have been eight weeks since I last ate refined sugar. This would have been “pretty impressive” during a decent year, but in the Age of Pandemic, the fact that I haven’t stress-eaten a cake a day has been nothing short of miraculous. The big question is, how have I given up sugar for so long when I’m constantly craving a big ol’ glass of chocolate milk? The answer: By using the Lent abstinence, compassionately, as a brainhack.
See, I believe that religion is at its most useful when it’s not merely faith, but also doubles as a brain hack to make you a more resilient, more compassionate person _regardless of whether God exists or not._ That’s a concept neatly stolen from Alan Moore’s thoughts on magick, where he says that casting spells isn’t really about shaping the world, but are simply a way of using patterns to rearrange your own consciousness. Which is why for me, prayer isn’t about helping people. If I’m spending more time praying for people than I am actually helping them, then I’m failing. My days are spent calling politicians, listening to friends when I can, and donating to charity. With that in mind, my prayer is a sort of anxiety-reducer for the large-scale things I can’t control – things like pandemics, wars, politics, and so forth. I quiet down and talk to God, trusting that He (or She, or It) has a plan – and I do genuinely believe that, _but even if I didn’t_, focusing on a belief that everything’s going to be okay is a meditative way of hacking my brain to get my ass to calmthe hell down.
Because yeah, if I turned on the logic circuits in my brain and said, “Everything’s gonna be fine,” then my asshole brain would devise a thousand reasons why everything is spiralling out of control. But focusing on a compassionate being watching over us all – even if they’re imaginary – helps short-circuit those frantic concerns. And I need those concerns quelled, because as noted, I’ve done all I know how to do already, so stressing about the economy 24/7 will justbreak me down.
So I have this twinned issue: I believe, and also that belief is useful. I never assume prayer will be helpful for anyone else, because everyone should process stress in their own way. But that’s how it works _for me_. God is both a reality and a way to cut through the conscious levels of thought straight to the amygdala. Which is how Lent happened to be useful. I heard a priest discussing Lent not as a time of abnegation, but as a time of self-care. The point, said the priest, was not to grudgingly give up your favorite hobbies for six weeks; the point was that _you knew_ what was hurting you in your life, and God wanted you to stop hurting, so why not take the time to get closer to him? Which flipped a switch. (Or, perhaps, flipped my switchy tendencies,ha ha ha.)
I’d been dreading Lent, because six weeks of no chocolate milk? Six weeks without the nectar of life? How?!? But that concept made me go, “You know all that sugar is hurting you. I know you can’t give it up for yourself, but what about envisioning doing it for a being who absolutely loves you and wantsyou to be happy?”
That… felt like a Daddy Dominant. Which is to say that there’s a lot of BDSM relationships that aren’t predicated so much on bloody whippings and ball gags so much as “You’re not good at taking care of yourself for yourself, so let’s externalize that focus.” There’s a lot of people who take their medications because their dominant sends them a text every morning reminding them that part of their relationship is, yes, working out and taking time for themselves. You don’t take your medications for yourself, but as part of a ritual that affirms your bond for another person. You devote yourself to another person, who in turn wants you to devoteyourself.
So whenever I felt the itch for a big gloppy eclair, I thought, “If there is someone all-loving who treasures me, do I want to disappoint them by shoveling this food into my face?” And I felt them saying, “You know what’s right, don’t you?” And I let my putting the eclair aside be an act of devotion to someone else. Basically, I hacked my brain out of an eclair. (And my brain _reallylikes_ eclairs.)
And yeah, it’d be nice if I could externalize that concern to someone actual, like my daughters or my wife. (Which I have, to some extent – on the days I really want to skip a workout, I think of my daughter Erin stressing out over my heart and then I get to the weights.) But those real people have real disappointments, and if I fuck up they might yell at me – or even leave me. Whereas the God I envision might sigh a bit, but the all-loving, mysterious creator knows down to the _atom_ precisely what a fuckup I am and still cares, so I don’t carry that extra stress of “Must be perfect in quitting sugar or I’ll be alone.” And so it’s two weeks past Lent, and here I am, still not tucking into the boxes of Girl Scout cookies on top of the fridge. Still. I’ll have a chocolate milk some day. This isn’t about refraining for the sake of refraining. Part of the deal with a Daddy Dom is that they know you fuck up from time to time, or even just need a break. A really compassionate Daddy Dom gives days off, understands the times when you’re so wracked you need to deviate from the routine, and will be stern but loving on the days you forget. It is weird to think of God as my Daddy Dom. But honestly? I’m a big fan of whatever works. And if I gotta be a little closer to God to get me a little further away from diabetes, well, I’ll take it.Facebook Twitter
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Posted by The Ferretton Apr 21, 2020
in Current Ramblings| 1 comment
NOT A HEMOPHILIAC, MY HEMOPHILIAC Whenever I think of hospitals, I think of my Uncle Tommy. Yet how could I not? Half of my memories of my sainted uncle are at hospitals; us dropping by to pick up his cryoprecipitate twice a week, seeing him on the nights he bled so badly they had to keep him in for overnights. I remember my uncle’s five o’clock shadow thrown into harsh contrast by the fluorescent overheads, his leather boots clacking on speckled white hospital tiles, wreathed in the scents of old cigarette smoke mixed with the ammonia scent of freshly-moppedfloors.
His life was intertwined inextricably with the hospital. When he was a kid, he spent two weeks out of every month there, practically growing up in the childrens’ ward. His best friend was a kid with a terminal illness who died before he was twelve. He used to go over and comfort the scared kids when the nurses had to give them injections, showing them through his own needle-scarred forearms that the IV wasn’t thatbad.
When he died, I found nurse porn in his VHS collection. In retrospect, it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Tommy’s existence was a product of medical science – he’d basically spent his whole life dying just a little slower than hospital advances could catch up to him. He was born with hemophilia, which meant his blood clotted so slowly he risked bleeding to death from gashes you or I would just bind up – and when you’re a three-year-old hemophiliac, every toddler tumbler means potentialdeath.
But as I said: the technology caught up to him. At birth, he wasn’t expected to make it to six. At six, he wasn’t expected to make it to twelve. At twelve, it would have been a miracle if he’d become a teenager – and then, when he got to his mid-twenties and it looked like hemophilia was a solved (if expensive) problem, he got HIV from ablood transfusion.
Somehow, he managed to live through _that_ until HIV medications could stabilize his conditions, a gruelling decade. Then he got hepatitis. Managed with that. Then he got pancreatic cancer, and that’s all she wrote. And that continual lack of a future stunted him to some extent; he was always terrible with money, because Tommy literally couldn’t imagine having to pay debts two years from now. He had no image of himself as a future being. Yet paradoxically, because he was an accountant, he was also _very good_ with money, dying literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in forestalled death and _still_ managing to leave me $20,000 on a technicality I still don’t fully understand. What did he buy with that money? Pretty much what I would have: comic books and CDs. Fine meals. Fun outings. No, I lie; it’s exactly what I would have. Because Tommy was my best friend. We’d sit down on a sleepy Sunday afternoon like this, and drive out to the corner store, and pick us up some Archie comics and some chocolate milk (he’d get beer, but I don’t think it’s coincidence I’m drinking a beer today), and just sit around and read comics with MTV on in the background and shoot the shit. I was… a very lonely teenager. It took me a long while to get past a combination of my own social anxiety and my unwillingness to fit in anywhere. And on those days, those Sunday afternoons, Tommy and I would discuss how great the latest Stephen King book was and talk about Eric Clapton and I’d rag on him about him smoking still and he’d just shake it off and tell me it was too late for him to change, but maybe I could. And when I was depressed, I could talk to him too. He knew loneliness. He had a lot of friends, before he got HIV and retreated inside and got ready to die – and it was a damn shame that he spent fifteen years withdrawn, braced for a death that took him by surprise – but even though he could have had people over at the drop of a hat, he also understood his dramatic, awkward, fumbling nephew well enough to give him hope on the bad days. I was the last person he talked to before he died. Literally nobody who knew us though that was a coincidence. And for as much as he loved me, he’s laced through my DNA. I walk slow, because Tommy walked with a cane and even now, almost twenty years on, I still amble at his pace. I have his guffawing laugh, which sometimes draws attention at restaurants. And I can’t stop thinking about him now that the world’s in apandemic.
Because of the hospitals. I remember begging Tommy to move out to Michigan with me, near the end of his life – back when he was miserable and hurting and I wanted to take care of him. And he got bitter – he couldn’t leave. The doctors here knew him. I told him that was bullshit, he could start over again anywhere, and it’s to my eternal shame that this was not true – Tommy knew more than I did. As a man who survived through medications, having a stable of physicians who never questioned his own needs – who trusted that he’d only ask for the drugs he needed – was literally life support for him. I wonder how Tommy would deal now. Now that the hospitals have become a place of danger, where coronavirus has made it so that simply walking in has become a risk. He couldn’t not go. But that’s the thing; Tommy was incredibly goddamned brave, for someone who was so goddamned fragile. He’d walk through bad neighborhoods at night with a limp and a cane, eyeing potential muggers as if to ask them what they were gonna do. For him, the worst had already happened. He was afraid of some things; being dependent on people was certainly one, me aside. (He always relied on me, a fact I still wear with pride.) But he wasn’t afraid of _mortal_ danger. I know he’d walk into that hospital, mask on, shrugging because what the hell, life was always a risk, here’s another one, fuck it. Maybe that was foolish. Maybe that’s a short-sighted attitude borne of his stunted future. But it also served him well, getting him adventures a man of his medical history should never have reasonablybeen allowed.
He lived life on his own terms. And I respect that. This virus would be a concern, but not a panic; he’d deal, as he always dealt. I’ll deal. As I have always dealt. Because I am my Uncle’s son. (If you enjoyed this, it was inspired by the National Hemophilia Society reminding me about Hemophilia Awareness Day. If you got a few bucks, I’ll remind you that hemophilia is incurable yet requires expensive, weekly transfusions to help the afflicted survive, so maybe throw them a few bucks ? It could be a(nother) act of kindness in a time of pandemic.)Facebook Twitter
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Posted by The Ferretton Apr 19, 2020
in Current Ramblings| 1 comment
ADVICE FROM THE PLAGUE PITS: SHAPE YOUR SPACE! We are now roughly a month into quarantine, and by now you should have learned three languages, taught yourself to play the harpsichord, and achieved samsara through the perfection of Buddhist meditation.Fuck that.
Look, if you _can_ use this time for profitable self-improvement, then _do_ so. But this isn’t some pleasant vacation: this is traumatic seclusion, where you’re in parts equally concerned about thousands of people (possibly even you or someone you love) dying of a fatal disease and also can I get toilet paper before we run out? So be a little merciful on yourself. This isn’t your sixth-grade recess, this is bolting doors against the plague – and if the stress is impinging your abilities for self-improvement, then don’t beat yourself up over that. But there is one thing I will suggest you take the time to do in lockdown, even if you don’t feel you’re up to it: Take some time to redecorate your living quarters. Seriously. Hang up some art, push the beds around, or at the very least do as thorough a spring cleaning as you can manage. And here’smy rationale:
Most of you had a home that was somewhat of a transient space – you went out to work, you went out with friends, you went out to get coffee. And now, in this time of solitude, your home is less of a “I’m here for a few hours and then out again” and more of a softprison.
And chances are there’s _something_ you’ve been tiptoeing around in your apartment. Maybe it’s that closet stuffed full of unsorted games. Maybe it’s that spare room you’ve been meaning to turn from a junk space into a reading nook. Maybe it’s just that the windowsare boring.
Sure, you meant to learn Italian some day, but even if you did that’s not gonna pay immediate dividends. Yet sprucing up your home _will_ pay off immediately – because you’re _there_, more often than you meant to be, and not only will a change of scenery benefit you, but you’ll be shaping your living space into a place more suited to your mood and your needs. So yeah. Hang a couple of dreamcatchers in the window, scrub the grime out of the tub, rearrange the bookshelves. Because every time you walk by those posters you hung in the hallway, you’ll _not only_ feel a little pride because you accomplished something you’d been meaning to do, _but also_ that accomplishment will have turned your home into something that feels, well, _homier_. This is gonna be your space for another couple of weeks, at least. So shape it to suit you. And hang in there. With a little luck, we’ll get through this. Iknow it’s rough.
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Posted by The Ferretton Apr 10, 2020
in Current Ramblings| 1 comment
A NEW RED FLAG FOR POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS There’s a lot of red flags to look when you’re dating someone new, not limited to but including: * The fabled One-Penis Policy;
* They’re in a “primary” relationship where the other partner has at-will veto power; * They only prioritize the partner who’s most recently yelled atthem
;
* They believe it’s your responsibility to fix their jealousy.
That said, in light of recent events, I think it’s time to add a new flag to the list. This is, admittedly, a _very narrow_ flag, but I think anyone who’s paid attention to current events will agree that this is a danger sign of the highest magnitude: * They collect tigers.Facebook Twitter
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Posted by The Ferretton Mar 31, 2020
in Current Ramblings| 2 comments
A NEW STORY IN THE FLEX UNIVERSE! “ALIYAH’S SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY”! WHERE TO FIND IT, HOW TO GET IT. “So when will you be returning to write about Paul Tsabo, and Valentine, and Aliyah?” people ask. “I liked that series. Flex was good! You should write more of that.” Alas, my muse is a fickle bitch, and has been drawn to other projects. But I did get a brief twitch to check in on Aliyah, so I’m writing a story about her sixteenth birthday party – a story that’s probably going to end up around 10,000 words, a tale of videogame mayhem and fatherly misunderstandings. I tell you this because there will be only one way to get this story: If you preorder my upcoming book Automatic Reload , I’ll ship you the secret URL and password to read it when Automatic Reload ships. Or, to put it another way: PREORDER MY BOOK AUTOMATIC RELOAD AND GET A FREE 10,000-WORD STORY ABOUT ALIYAH TSABO-DAWSON. There. That’s nicer, don’tcha think? Anyway, if you liked Flex I’m pretty sure you’ll like Automatic Reload, because it’s got a snarky protagonist who’s also a hulking cyborg fighting for justice and against his PTSD. Basically, the whole book is about what happens when computerized targeting has become so accurate that firefights are beyond human comprehension – so you have to be a damn good programmer to set the parameters of your weapons, because if the other guy’s better than you at optimizing, you’ll be dead before you know it. Oh, and it’s also about a cyborg falling in love with a genetically-engineered assassin in what Publishers’ Weekly (in a rare starred review) called an expert fusion of cyberpunk staples and romantic comedy elements].
So the bad news about this is that thanks to that coronavirus, Automatic Reload’s been bumped forward to the end of July. Which seems far off – and it is! But given how the publishing industry is collapsing with the rest of the economy, that means that _every pre-order you make_ really helps authors in ways they never didbefore.
So. If you preorder Automatic Reload right now, you will get: * An awesome firefight romance; * 10,000 words of your favorite videogamemancers doing live-actionPersona;
* A signed bookplate featuring Automatic Reload art! How do you get this, you may ask? Simply email theferrett@theferrett.com with the subject “I HAVE PRE-ORDERED AUTOMATIC RELOAD” and the address you’ll be living at come July. (And make sure the subject of that email is “I HAVE PRE-ORDERED AUTOMATIC RELOAD” or my spam-filter might lose your request.) I’ll check in with you come the summer, and on the day of release I’ll give you access to the secret web page with the new story. (It doesn’t matter where you preorder it – may I suggest your local book store? They could use the cash. But if you need direct links… At Amazon – At Barnes and Noble– At
Independent Bookstores)
(And if you don’t know about Paul and Aliyah, I would note that each of the books in the ‘Mancer series – Flex, The Flux, and Fix – are all half off at Angry Robot if you use the code SHELFISOLATION at checkout. And if you haven’t read all three, well, you might wanna, because the events at the end of FIX really do change Aliyah in ways that are totally spoilerriffic.) Anyway! To sum up again! * New story featuring your favorite ‘mancers; * Which you can read by preordering a new book featuring your favorite person who wrote this essay;* Cool stuff!
* HELP YOUR WRITERS IF YOU CAN* Message ends.
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Posted by The Ferretton Mar 30, 2020
in Current Ramblings| 0 comments
WHY SHOULD YOU PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR PARTNER’S OTHER LOVERS? I try to keep up with who my lovers are dating, and how things are going with them and their metamours. That effort can be exhausting. Because let’s be honest: I can be an insecure cuss sometimes, and watching my partners float off on a cloud of happy New Relationship Energy with their new lover can trigger anxiety spasms. And when they have relationships that are slowly crashing and burning, being there to talk over their issues with them – doing the inevitable “Am I the asshole?” checks – can take up valuable us-time. Plus, to be honest, it’s kinda weird overseeing breakups that aren’t evenmine.
And at times like those, I think about that old saying: “As long as they come back home safe, what they do when they’re out is none ofmy business!”
That saying is a school of thought in polyamory, a thought which says you shouldn’t have to pay attention to your partner’s other partners – that there’s a firewall in between “What you do when you’re with your lover” and “What your lover does when they’re out with _their_ lovers.” All that matters is the interactions between the two of you, and you can safely ignore the rest. Problem is, I don’t think that “safely” part is entirely true. Not in long-term relationships, anyway. Because in the short-term, sure, you and your partner are unlikely to fall out of step. Maybe you’ll pick up a new kink or two over the next three months, but you’ll mostly be the same people.Over years, though?
I claim that I’ve been married to the same woman for two decades, but that is _blatantly_ not true. The wife I married was monogamous; we evolved into polyamory. The wife I married was secretive; she’s blossomed into being more open. The wife I married was pagan; she’s since drifted back to the Church. Heck, the wife I married thought The Simpsons was a little too edgy at times; thanks to my influence, she now regularly quotes The League of Gentlemen , the blackest Cthulhu-meets-soap-opera comedy ever. I’m not the same person, either. Hardly anyone is, over that amount of time. (Heck, the man she married chewed his nails ragged, wore no hat, and only wore black jeans and a black T-shirt because he didn’t care about his wardrobe; now I am emblazoned in Hawaiian shirts and pretty pretty princess nails.)
We pick up new preferences, discard old ones, learn new lessons,discard old habits.
And one of the most frequent causes of breakups in the long term is people drifting apart. One of the reasons I think my marriage has lasted all this time is that my wife and I are constantly checking in with each other, seeing who we are right _now_ and adjusting to be in love with _that_ person. And the most valuable portions of that work come from poking our noses into things we’re not all that interested in. My wife listens to me blather about videogame design, I listen to her squee about quilting. We sit down and pay attention when the other one is griping – or cheering – about their job, even though we’re both in highly technical fields and only understand about half of what the other istalking about.
With that easy flow of communications, it’s easy to pick up on the smaller changes coming around. I knew my wife was unhappy about her old job long before she finally moved on – but more importantly, I understood why the job she’d trained for had become a career that didn’t suit her, I understood what sorts of ambitions fulfilled her and which ones just made her feel deflated, I understood how she valued income vs the emotional expenditure of work. She got a new job, sure. But when we both came down with heart problems and needed to get more exercise, I’d learned that my wife was big on personal outside affirmations – she didn’t get that warm glow of accomplishment until a stranger (not me) told her“Attaboy!”
So I hired a personal trainer, because I knew that person would give her the encouragement to keep her going. And that, in turn, led to my wife and I bonding over our physical health journey; now we’re gym rats. (Pudgy gym rats, admittedly, but our cores are _strong_.) Listening to the little things helped me clue me into the big things. And I think, over the long run, walling off your partner’s experiences with their other partners can lead to situations where you get sideswiped – because particularly in polyamory, other relationships bring out different aspects of you. You learn new lessons – _oh, I really like it when people talk to me that way, I want that style of intimacy._ Walling off that experience means you potentially miss out on the ways your partner is evolving. And evolution? Can happen rapidly in the world of polyamory, particularly when you’re just starting out. Which leads to a danger where one day you’ve said, “Sure, go out and do whatever” and a year later the person they’ve become while you’ve been averting your eyes is someone who doesn’t have much in common with you any more. (Particularly if they’re not super-proactive at bringing the lessons they learned home to you – but that’s an essay for another day.) Now, I’m not saying y’all need a blow-by-blow recap of every moment on a date – that could drive the insecure crazy. Nor am I saying that if your partner dates fifteen different people a week that you need to get personally involved with someone who’ll be gone from your life in two months, tops. Nor am I saying that you should get dragged into playing peacemaker when you don’t want to. This certainly isn’t one of those prescriptive essays where I boom out, “IF YOU DO THIS, YOU ARE WRONG AND MUST BE BANISHED TO POLY FAKERHELL FOREVER.”
But I am saying that sometimes – perhaps often – people in poly relationships are so terrified of feeling insecure (or are so disinterested in others) that they inadvertently put themselves into a situation where they distance themselves from their partners. And that short-term fix can have long-term consequences. Because the person you’re dating today will probably not be the exact same person a year from now. They’ll almost certainly be a significantly different person five years from now. And if you want to be with that person, knowing what they’re evolving into is a significant advantage. And a lot of that work gets done in the small moments. Just asking, “So how are things going with Jamie?” can open up lines of communication that benefit you in ways that are both subtle and profoundly nourishing. Even if, you know, sometimes it takes a bit of effort.Facebook Twitter
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Posted by The Ferretton Mar 26, 2020
in Current Ramblings| 0 comments
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* Learning What You Don’t Want Is Equally Valuable: Thoughts On Clarion, And Also, Unrelatedly, Polyamory, As Well As Other Things * God, As A Most Delightful Daddy Dom * Not A Hemophiliac, My Hemophiliac * Advice From The Plague Pits: Shape Your Space! * A New Red Flag For Polyamorous Relationships * A New Story In The Flex Universe! “Aliyah’s Sixteenth Birthday”! Where To Find It, How To Get It. * Why Should You Pay Attention To Your Partner’s Other Lovers?CURRENTLY READING
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