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THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGA A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there living THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Mmmm. These rare and valuable puffs of treasure have an estimated value of nearly $2.00 a box! Even the makers of this cereal knew it had so little to do with lost treasure, they felt compelled to put them in a jewel encrusted bowl. But remember, you don't HAVE to do this. It is only a serving SUGGESTION. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY SEPARATED CHICKEN. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was all out of me. The following is a THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH A Brain is a Terrible Thing to Waste. A Day at the Science Museum. We Are Fancy Art People. Objects May Appear Larger. Explosive Brain Growth. A Growing Brain. Introducing Little Miss Tree Brain 2008. Breaking News: 2008 Brain Arrival. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Mmmm. These rare and valuable puffs of treasure have an estimated value of nearly $2.00 a box! Even the makers of this cereal knew it had so little to do with lost treasure, they felt compelled to put them in a jewel encrusted bowl. But remember, you don't HAVE to do this. It is only a serving SUGGESTION. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The smoky little guy even comes with his own display case. The bidding starts at a whopping 49 cents. The winning bidder also gets a free mousepad and bumper sticker. You can view the auction and track how rich I'm about to get right here. Click here to follow me on THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Raisins v. Drum Set. Late Christmas Eve, my wife and I were preparing for Santa's arrival. She felt bad when she realized we didn't have much to put in our three-year-old's stocking. I asked if I could wrap up a tiny box of raisins, just to see if he would be excited or not. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The very first prototype He-Man was black haired with a deeply tanned eastern European or Middle Eastern appearance. His helmet had no horns. Later, at the direction of Tom Kalinske, then in Mattel's upper management, He-Man was made more clean-cut and changed to a blond Plus, He-Man's skin was lightened, though definitely still tanned. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGA A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there living THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH After I put up that little tribute to Franklin from Peanuts, Randee sent me this outstanding email:. What a nice little tribute! I always will think of Franklin as the reason I got Charles Schulz pissed off at me. There was a four-panel strip in a Peanuts Treasury I read when I was about 15, and in it Franklin expresses a desire to play for theNHL.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGA A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there living THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH After I put up that little tribute to Franklin from Peanuts, Randee sent me this outstanding email:. What a nice little tribute! I always will think of Franklin as the reason I got Charles Schulz pissed off at me. There was a four-panel strip in a Peanuts Treasury I read when I was about 15, and in it Franklin expresses a desire to play for theNHL.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was all out of me. The following is a THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH A Brain is a Terrible Thing to Waste. A Day at the Science Museum. We Are Fancy Art People. Objects May Appear Larger. Explosive Brain Growth. A Growing Brain. Introducing Little Miss Tree Brain 2008. Breaking News: 2008 Brain Arrival. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Mmmm. These rare and valuable puffs of treasure have an estimated value of nearly $2.00 a box! Even the makers of this cereal knew it had so little to do with lost treasure, they felt compelled to put them in a jewel encrusted bowl. But remember, you don't HAVE to do this. It is only a serving SUGGESTION. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The smoky little guy even comes with his own display case. The bidding starts at a whopping 49 cents. The winning bidder also gets a free mousepad and bumper sticker. You can view the auction and track how rich I'm about to get right here. Click here to follow me on THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Raisins v. Drum Set. Late Christmas Eve, my wife and I were preparing for Santa's arrival. She felt bad when she realized we didn't have much to put in our three-year-old's stocking. I asked if I could wrap up a tiny box of raisins, just to see if he would be excited or not. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY SEPARATED CHICKEN. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The very first prototype He-Man was black haired with a deeply tanned eastern European or Middle Eastern appearance. His helmet had no horns. Later, at the direction of Tom Kalinske, then in Mattel's upper management, He-Man was made more clean-cut and changed to a blond Plus, He-Man's skin was lightened, though definitely still tanned. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGA A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there living THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH An arrow, in and of itself, is one of the most mundane graphic devices in visual communications. Truly, there is nothing unique or particularly strategic (marketing-wise) in using an arrow as a brand identifier. Early on, before the brand rollout in mid-1994, FedEx s public relations agency was preparing to emphasize the arrow as asecondary
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs toFREAKY FRANKS :
Originally seen in Stet Magazine Now living on thesneeze.com. Click here for more fun stuff on The Sneeze. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGA A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there living THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH An arrow, in and of itself, is one of the most mundane graphic devices in visual communications. Truly, there is nothing unique or particularly strategic (marketing-wise) in using an arrow as a brand identifier. Early on, before the brand rollout in mid-1994, FedEx s public relations agency was preparing to emphasize the arrow as asecondary
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs toFREAKY FRANKS :
Originally seen in Stet Magazine Now living on thesneeze.com. Click here for more fun stuff on The Sneeze. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH A Brain is a Terrible Thing to Waste. A Day at the Science Museum. We Are Fancy Art People. Objects May Appear Larger. Explosive Brain Growth. A Growing Brain. Introducing Little Miss Tree Brain 2008. Breaking News: 2008 Brain Arrival. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was all out of me. The following is a THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Mmmm. These rare and valuable puffs of treasure have an estimated value of nearly $2.00 a box! Even the makers of this cereal knew it had so little to do with lost treasure, they felt compelled to put them in a jewel encrusted bowl. But remember, you don't HAVE to do this. It is only a serving SUGGESTION. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The smoky little guy even comes with his own display case. The bidding starts at a whopping 49 cents. The winning bidder also gets a free mousepad and bumper sticker. You can view the auction and track how rich I'm about to get right here. Click here to follow me on THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Here is another classic dose of Dr. Michael from the annals of Stet. I had forgotten just how brilliant and refreshingly bizarre his answers could get. All questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.Dear Dr. Michael,
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! - The Tree Brain. Over the last 4 years we've tracked the annual growth of fungus on the trees in front of my house, but the time for tracking was over. The time for chewing was here. I was never interested in eating the Tree Brain because wild mushroomscan
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH An arrow, in and of itself, is one of the most mundane graphic devices in visual communications. Truly, there is nothing unique or particularly strategic (marketing-wise) in using an arrow as a brand identifier. Early on, before the brand rollout in mid-1994, FedEx s public relations agency was preparing to emphasize the arrow as asecondary
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The World's Smartest Tree - 2003. I walked outside today to discover this monstrosity growing on the tree in front of our house. My wife says it's a fungus. God, Vassar girls kill me. She thinks she's so smart. Clearly the tree is growing its own brain because it wants to communicate with me. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles.FREAKY FRANKS :
Originally seen in Stet Magazine Now living on thesneeze.com. Click here for more fun stuff on The Sneeze. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGATHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHESNEEZE PLAY
A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there livingTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE VIDEOTHE SNEEZE PLAYTHE SNEEZE SONG YOUTUBETHE SNEEZE STORY The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHBETTER OFF DEAD CASTBETTER OFF DEAD FILM CASTBETTER OFF DEAD STREAMINGBETTER OFF DEAD FULL MOVIEBETTER OFF DEAD ON NETFLIX Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGATHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHESNEEZE PLAY
A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there livingTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE VIDEOTHE SNEEZE PLAYTHE SNEEZE SONG YOUTUBETHE SNEEZE STORY The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHBETTER OFF DEAD CASTBETTER OFF DEAD FILM CASTBETTER OFF DEAD STREAMINGBETTER OFF DEAD FULL MOVIEBETTER OFF DEAD ON NETFLIX Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was all out of me. The following is aTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH What you see is the fruiting (the mushroom) of the resident fungal organism, the mycelium, which invisibly skulks around year-round inside the tree digesting parts of it. Once a year it fruits a mushroom to reproduce, which it does by dropping lots of spores thatcan each start a
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot painting has moved into its 2nd phase!I have received the initial sketch from Eric, and it is outstanding. Click on it for a better view of the outstandingness. We were talking about what type of arena this fight might be taking place in, and Eric THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH My friend Kirker is from Kentucky. He has verified for me that the Unofficial State Sandwich of Kentucky is known as the "Hot Brown."There seems to be some controversy over whether or not it is made with gravy, or cheese.Whichever side you take, I think we can all agree that the name "Hot Brown" isn't vile and unfortunate at all. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGATHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHESNEEZE PLAY
A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there livingTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE VIDEOTHE SNEEZE PLAYTHE SNEEZE SONG YOUTUBETHE SNEEZE STORY The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHBETTER OFF DEAD CASTBETTER OFF DEAD FILM CASTBETTER OFF DEAD STREAMINGBETTER OFF DEAD FULL MOVIEBETTER OFF DEAD ON NETFLIX Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGATHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHESNEEZE PLAY
A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there livingTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE VIDEOTHE SNEEZE PLAYTHE SNEEZE SONG YOUTUBETHE SNEEZE STORY The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHBETTER OFF DEAD CASTBETTER OFF DEAD FILM CASTBETTER OFF DEAD STREAMINGBETTER OFF DEAD FULL MOVIEBETTER OFF DEAD ON NETFLIX Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was all out of me. The following is aTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH What you see is the fruiting (the mushroom) of the resident fungal organism, the mycelium, which invisibly skulks around year-round inside the tree digesting parts of it. Once a year it fruits a mushroom to reproduce, which it does by dropping lots of spores thatcan each start a
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot painting has moved into its 2nd phase!I have received the initial sketch from Eric, and it is outstanding. Click on it for a better view of the outstandingness. We were talking about what type of arena this fight might be taking place in, and Eric THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH My friend Kirker is from Kentucky. He has verified for me that the Unofficial State Sandwich of Kentucky is known as the "Hot Brown."There seems to be some controversy over whether or not it is made with gravy, or cheese.Whichever side you take, I think we can all agree that the name "Hot Brown" isn't vile and unfortunate at all. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGATHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHESNEEZE PLAY
A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there livingTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE VIDEOTHE SNEEZE PLAYTHE SNEEZE SONG YOUTUBETHE SNEEZE STORY The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHBETTER OFF DEAD CASTBETTER OFF DEAD FILM CASTBETTER OFF DEAD STREAMINGBETTER OFF DEAD FULL MOVIEBETTER OFF DEAD ON NETFLIX Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHDR. MICHAELREVIEWS YOU CAN USEBETTER OFF DEAD TRIBUTETHE SNEEZE ARCHIVESIMPLY JIF SAGATHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHESNEEZE PLAY
A Kick to the Nuts of My Feet. Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black " LIVE FREE OR DIE " socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there livingTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHTHE SNEEZE BOOKTHE SNEEZE ANTON CHEKHOVTHE SNEEZE VIDEOTHE SNEEZE PLAYTHE SNEEZE SONG YOUTUBETHE SNEEZE STORY The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1. Potted Meat Food Product. There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, " food ." Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with " MECHANICALLY THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITHBETTER OFF DEAD CASTBETTER OFF DEAD FILM CASTBETTER OFF DEAD STREAMINGBETTER OFF DEAD FULL MOVIEBETTER OFF DEAD ON NETFLIX Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 7. Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Great Pizza Orientation Test. Regardless of your feelings about Domino's, the fact that you can order it online without having to talk to a human being is fantastic. Type a little on your computer and magically a pizza shows up at your door. It's the closest thing we have to Star Trek's food replicator. Only it takes about 25 minutes towork.
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Half not good with fractions. PICKLES! The Movie. My three-year-old has decided that "Pickles" is a curse word. It basically means "asshole." Or possibly, "You dick." Here is an actual exchange from the other morning: Me: Please put your pants on. Him: Fine, Pickles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH I dated a girl that had IBS (irritable bowel syndrom) and she just didn't eat or drink certain things without disasturous results. While visiting my Grandparents, she was served milk with breakfast and like the doll she was, drank half the glass. I was too worried about the pancakes and eggs to THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was all out of me. The following is aTHE SNEEZE CAM
The Sneeze Cam - LIVE! The sheep stopped growing "wool" and being amazing at 6 PM PST. Time-lapse movie soon to come. Back to The Sneeze THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH What you see is the fruiting (the mushroom) of the resident fungal organism, the mycelium, which invisibly skulks around year-round inside the tree digesting parts of it. Once a year it fruits a mushroom to reproduce, which it does by dropping lots of spores thatcan each start a
THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH This is an order from the top brass at Sneeze HQ. After I posted that interview, a miracle occurred and some kick-ass Sneeze readers managed to track down scans from the ACTUAL BOOK from the 40s, including the original face! I still can't quite believe it. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot painting has moved into its 2nd phase!I have received the initial sketch from Eric, and it is outstanding. Click on it for a better view of the outstandingness. We were talking about what type of arena this fight might be taking place in, and Eric THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Not long ago, I posted about the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo. I received several emails regarding it, including one from design student Bobby Dragulescu. Thanks to Bobby and his typography professor Leah Hoffmitz, I was put in touch with the logo's creator: Mr. Lindon Leader of Leader Creative. Lindon kindly agreed to the following interview, which is comprised of 8 fairly intelligent THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 8. Prison Wine. I'm simply not cut out for jail. Where I really shine is watching Tivo on a couch. As soon as you need me to survive a sharpened-spoon attack, (or even a regular spoon attack)-- I'm just not your guy. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH The holidays are built on tradition, which means it's time for us to gather around the yule log and listen to that insane rendition of O Holy Night. It has been a year, and it remains as beautifully horrible as I remember. (Here it is, presented in magical streaming whatever THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar. It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles. THE SNEEZE - HALF ZINE. HALF BLOG. HALF NOT GOOD WITH My friend Kirker is from Kentucky. He has verified for me that the Unofficial State Sandwich of Kentucky is known as the "Hot Brown."There seems to be some controversy over whether or not it is made with gravy, or cheese.Whichever side you take, I think we can all agree that the name "Hot Brown" isn't vile and unfortunate at all.APRIL 7, 2011
A KICK TO THE NUTS OF MY FEET Oh no, there's a hole in my socks. And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black "LIVE FREE OR DIE" socks that I kind of think give me super powers. Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there living life like a crazy bastard. I had gotten them from Draplin Design merchandise store. I emailed with Aaron over there and he broke the bad news that not only are all the socks gone forever, but the place he had make them is even out of business. I suppose I could always repurpose them as a stylish ascot or bow tie. Ah, yes. There we go. At my age, there's nothing like a little tasteful sophistication. Jeeves! Bring the Rolls around! By Steven • Permalink•
The Sneeze Archive
MARCH 27, 2011
FAREWELL TO A FISH
x23e98E(*YU(d/...
Hello eveyb240rd2(*98jsls...!! (Damn, it's been so long I'm even rustier at this than I thought.) HELLO -- WHOEVER IS LEFT OF MY INTERNET FRIENDS! I hope all 3 of you are doing well. What's up? I don't even know where we should jump in. I suppose we could talk about how Eddie the Extra-Angry Betta Fish passed away a couple of months ago. Why not? Death is always a hoot. (If you're not familiar with Eddie and how he lovingly attacked me and my son, that's over here.)
I could tell for a week or so that Eddie didn't look good and was on his way out. I tried a few different things I read on the Internet but they didn't help. Possibly because those things were mostly cocktail recipes and reviews of cool apps I should download. When he finally stopped moving I wasn't sure how hard my boys would take it. I put a little towel around the tank so they wouldn't walk in and see Eddie just lying there. As soon as Raisins (now 7) saw the towel, he new something was up."Is Eddie dead?!"
"Yeah, buddy," I said gently. "GOOD! I HATED THAT FISH!" It's hard to watch to watch your child go through heartbreak likethat.
Next up was Lux (now 11!). He came in and saw the towel and also immediately knew it wasn't good news. "Did Eddie die?" he asked. "I'm afraid he did." Raisins tried to comfort his brother, "HE USED TO PUFF UP HIS GILS AND FREAK ME OUT! WHEN CAN WE GET RID OF THE TANK???" I asked Lux if he wanted to say goodbye before we got rid of Eddie. He did. My wife took Raisins out of the room so Lux could pay his respects. He lifted the towel and saw Eddie's skinny lifeless body lying on the bottom of the tank. He said, "Goodbye, Eddie." Then he sadly lowered the towel. Just between us, I thought he could have said something a little more poignant like, "We only had you a year, but you swam your way into our hearts." Actually that's horrible. He did fine. I'm also happy to report that it was at this point Lux started to cry. It's not that I enjoy my children's sadness, it's just nice to know at least one of my kids might not grow up to be a heartless serial killer. Lux did not want to be around to watch Eddie be dispatched. I can't blame him. My wife and I took the little guy into the bathroom and prepared to do the deed. "I can't believe I let myself get attached to that stupid fish," my wife said. I admitted I was going to miss him, too. As I said a little goodbye in my head, Raisins strolled in. "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FLUSHING HIM DOWN THE TOILET?!! THAT'S HILARIOUS!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!" And with that I sent Eddie on his way. It's sad that we don't appreciate things until they're gone -- like the McRib or Al Roker's head fat. Then again Eddie bit both me and my son and I was the only one who ever fed him or cleaned his tank. I think Raisins might be right on this one. By Steven • Permalink • The Sneeze ArchiveSEPTEMBER 30, 2010
FACELIFT
Yesterday was my birthday and it was really making me miss my dad. Don't worry, he's not ill or gone, he just doesn't love his only child enough to make the trip on my most special day. But it's fine. Really. (I'm just giving him a hard time. My dad and I have nothing but love for each other. And he did send a gift. The gift of sadness.) Now, as some of you might remember, there is a long tradition of him decorating my cakes with a baffling image that doesn't look anything like a face. We call it "The Face." The Face is something he has been drawing for over 60 years and you can read all about that right here . (It is easily one of my all-time favorites on The Sneeze. In fact, if you aren't familiar with it, you should really go read thatfirst before you
continue with this post.) Since my dad couldn't be here to bitchslap my cake with icing, I asked my wife to do the honors and provide her own version of The Face. She was immediately feeling the pressure. My wife mentioned it on Twitter and @ApatheticAlto immediately reassured her, offering a pic of her own 40th birthday cake with a version of my Dad's face on it. I was blown away that someone would go to the trouble of making something like that. Then I noticed the Capitol One credit card below it featuring my dad's actual cake picture and immediately thought "Holy crap! Why don't I have a credit card like that?! So I can hire a bodyguard to keep me safe from @ApatheticAlto!" (I'm kidding, Alto. I love it. Right here from my home in Uganda. Where I swear I live.) I told my wife not to stress over it and that if she was really unhappy with how the cake turned out I wouldn't put it on the internet. At the end of the day it's just for fun, and I believe on your birthday you should be allowed to lie straight to your wife's face. (You know that shit was going on the internet no matter what.) I suggested she should just do her own interpretation of The Face. Like when Sting takes a beloved Police song and does it with a slow jazzy twist, which makes people angry and sad and wish he was cool again. But honestly, how could she possible screw this up when my dad has left the world detailed instructions on how to create this iconicpiece of art.
When I got home last night I was beyond excited for the unveiling of her cake and all I can say is Mrs. Sneeze went above and beyond. Waitfor it...
...
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...
...
...
...
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...
...
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...
...
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...
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...
...
...
...
...
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Unbelievable. She's the best! And that's why she, AND ONLY SHE, gets to have my flabby, aging body on top of her for literally minutes atat time.
Thanks again for all the birthday wishes, guys. It is trulyappreciated.
By Steven • Permalink • The Sneeze ArchiveAPRIL 24, 2010
ME, MY ELF AND I
I remember once when I was a teenager, I was walking through the woods and I came across an old pair of leather boots. The incredible thing is, when I looked inside of them I found 4 pieces of gold! The not incredible thing is, I was a fat, lonely nerd playing Dungeons& Dragons.
Interestingly, playing Dungeons & Dragons is how I met my first girlfriend. (That's actually not true. Sometimes I just like typing sentences that no one has ever seen.) Recently I was on a small quest in my garage where -- after doing battle with a horrifying Level 14 Daddy Longlegs -- I did discover a treasure chest of loot from my youth. The most amazing item in there was a DUNGEONS & DRAGONS ADVENTURE MODULE. What's special about this one is it's a "SOLO" module, so you don't need anyone else to play. It's not just for nerds, but for those belonging to the sexy subset: Nerd With No Friends. On a more positive note, unlike your dad's old Playboys -- Dungeons & Dragons Solo Adventures were a means of playing with yourself that didn't need to be hidden under a mattress. Although I'm sure my parents would have given anything to see a ratty old Hustler in my room, instead of "The Ghost of Lion Castle." Just the sight of it makes me kind of sad. This might be because it's a perfect representation of my terribly lonely childhood. But much more likely -- An evil gnome named Roondar snuck into my garage and cast a Shame spell on it. Well, nice try, Rooney. But what you didn't count on was I still have no life. So, HA! I'm totally gonna play this. Flipping through it, I see author and friend to the friendless, Merle Rasmussen, has been kind enough to provide pre-rolled characters. (As if anyone playing Dungeons & Dragons by himself didn't have enough time to create a character.) Either way, I believe Philiam, the second-level elf will suit me nicely. A NOTE TO MY WIFE:_ Dearest, I'm about to embark on a dangerous adventure. One I must undertake alone. You may see me sitting in the living room reading a booklet in my sweatpants, but rest-assured, I amon a quest. _
_
At the time of this writing I haven't yet taken a shower. You may want to keep that in mind when you are overcome with the urge to sexeth meup.
_
_-Philiam_
By Steven • Permalink• The Sneeze
Archive
FEBRUARY 20, 2010
NOT ABSOLUTELY NEVER My friend, Eric, reminded me of a classic and poignant Peanuts comicstrip.
In it Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty are discussing what "security" is. Charlie Brown says it's when you've been somewhere with your parents and now it's night and you're in the back seat of the car and you can sleep because your parents are in the front seat doing all the worrying and they will take care of everything. Peppermint Patty says "That's neat!" but Charlie Brown points out thatit doesn't last.
"Suddenly you're a grown up and it can never be that way again. Suddenly it's over and you'll never get to sleep in the back seatagain."
"Never?"
"Absolutely never!"
"Hold my hand, Chuck!" I do think that's funny but the truth of this observation also hit me like a punch in the stomach. At least it did until I was on a recent road trip with my wife, my kids and my dad. Because look who's zonked out in the back seat of our mini-van while I was driving 6 hours doing all the worrying. That's right. My DAD . So, while Charlie Brown makes a compelling point, I believe I may have poked a hole in his theory. I can only hope I'll be around about 30 years from now to enjoy it. By Steven • Permalink• The
Sneeze Archive
DECEMBER 26, 2009
DON'T DRINK AND PIE
On Christmas Eve my father attempted to slice a pumpkin pie. Somewhere during the act, he briefly lost his mind. My friends Dan and Lisa were visiting and Dan documented what occurred with the following post on Twitter: ------------------------- Now, in my dad's defense, while he did have a cocktail or two, the holidays can be stressful time of year. There are several factors that could lead to such a Christmas tragedy, as illustrated by this handy pumpkin pie chart... In addition, he's also the man who's famous for doing this on my cakeswhile SOBER.
(More on his outstanding cakes and one of the best Sneeze features of all time, right here .) (Raisins for Christmas 2009 - coming soon.) By Steven • Permalink• The Sneeze
Archive
DECEMBER 24, 2009
EDDIE THE FISH
"OH MY GOD!!! I TOUCHED HIM!!! HE'S SO SLIMY!!!!! IT WASHORRIFYYYYING!!!"
While eerily similar to the call my wife made to her mother on our honeymoon, this was actually the scream I heard from my son the othernight.
But let's rewind a bit. We got a fish. Eddie the Fish. Specifically, Eddie the Blue BettaFish.
My 9-year-old, Lux , had spent a good few months relentlessly busting our balls for a pet. My wife and I talked it over and felt he was responsible enough. More importantly we're up for anything that might make him stop talking for3 minutes.
We all piled into the mini-van and headed off to Petco. Their slogan is "Petco. Where the pets go." Most people don't know that's actually a shortened version of their original slogan: "Petco. Where the pets go. All over each other. In tiny, smelly cages." And this is where we found Eddie struggling to survive in a container 4 sizes too small for him - (not unlike my feet in these heels, but that's another story). Now let's flash-forward back to the screaming. Lux has been taking good care of Eddie for a couple of weeks, until -- "OH MY GOD!!! I TOUCHED HIM!!! HE'S SO SLIMY!!!!! IT WAS HORRIFYYYYING!!! OHHHH MYYY GOD!!!!!!" He came running in to us, having a complete little kid, tears shooting of his head, nuclearmeltdown.
"What happened?!!!"
"I put my finger in the hole on the top of the tank where we feed him, and I touched him -- OOOH MYYYY GOD!!!!! HE BIT ME!!! AND I TOUCHED HIM!!! OHHHH GOD!!!!" "He didn't bite you.""YES, HE DID!!!!!!"
"Are you bleeding?"
"WELL -- NO... OH GOD!!!! WASH MY FINGER!!!!! WASH IT!!!!" "Calm down, you're fine. Maybe he was just trying to give you a kiss?" "NOOOO!!! HE HATES ME!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!" At this point I walked Lux reluctantly back to Eddie's little tank and said, "Would it make you feel better if you see me put MY finger inthere?"
"Yeah."
I poked my finger down the hole into the water. "See, he's not doing anyth--" CHOMP. Holy crap! The little blue bastard bit me! I immediately pulled my finger out and that's when EDDIE CAME UP AND OUT OF THE HOLE -- ATTACHED TO THE END OF MY FINGER. He flew off and landed on top of the tank with a small wet thud. After a brief moment of stunned silence... "OOHHHH MY GOD!!!!! EDDIE'S DEAD!!!!!! DAD KILLED EDDIE!!!!!" "HE'S NOT DEAD!" I yelled, as my wife quickly whisked Lux out of the room and I carefully dumped the little finger-biter back in the water. A few minutes later I went in to console Lux and found him lying sadly on his bed. "You okay?" I asked. "No. His fish blood is mixing with my human blood. I can't breathe." "Stop it. How's your finger?""It tingles."
"He probably just thought you were a big pellet of food." "No, he hates me. I never want to see him again." "So can I get rid of him?""No, I love him."
"Okay. Then why don't you go and feed him a little so you two can befriends again."
Which is exactly what he did. And I'm pleased to report Lux and Eddie have worked out their differences and are buds once again. Also, as an added bonus, I placed a special microphone in the tank and managed to capture actual audio of what Eddie sounds like when he'slooking at us.
Merry Christmas, everybody! I gotta go eat fishsticks in front ofEddie.
By Steven • Permalink• The Sneeze
Archive
DECEMBER 23, 2009
DOODLEMONKEY XMAS TREE BRAIN My buddy, Don, recently created this great little Christmas-themed Tree Brain comic strip over on his site Doodlemonkey.
Click here
to
check it out full-size. Some of you may also remember this awesome digital postcard Don made a few Christmases ago...Thanks, Don!
By Steven • Permalink• The
Sneeze Archive
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